Understanding Covert Narcissism – Part Three

Covert narcissism in love and sex. Relationship with a predator in a romantic mask.

Part III: Covert narcissism and sexuality

Sexuality is an important area of love, which performed in the narcissistic way poses many challenges for the relationship. And although the atmosphere like in the “50 Shades of Gray” awakens desires of many women, the reality of a love relationship with a narcissist destroys them without limits. The sexuality of narcissistic people is intense and extremely complex. Covert narcs have tendency to perverse sex and obsessive and compulsive sexual behavior. Of course, everyone can have his own fantasies and sexual behavior, and there is nothing wrong with it, as long as their implementation takes place based on the conscious and voluntary consent of the involved, and does not cause harm. In the case of a covert narcissism, however, sexual behavior becomes bothersome or destroys the relationship. Let’s take a look at what you have to consider if you fall into the trap of a covert narcissist.

Covert narcissism and sexuality

At the beginning it is worth looking at the covert narcissism from the side of human psychosexual development. A child coming into the world experiences various stages of fascination with his body. From infancy, the oral phase begins, during which the child is still passive. Between 1 and 3 years of age he passes through the so-called anal phase, when he takes pleasure in feeling the anus and learns to control the process of excretion. Between the 3rd and 5th year of life there occurs the so-called phallic phase, when the child is interested in his external genitalia. Masturbation may then appear and the correct passage through this phase leads to inhibition of early sexuality and entering the next period – the so-called phase of latency. Then, from the age of 6 to maturity, a person focuses on acquiring skills, including social skills needed in relationships with other people. With the entry into puberty the so-called genital phase begins, during which the adolescent gets pleasure from stimulating the reproductive organs.

From the point of view of the development of narcissism, an important moment is the so-called Oedipus complex during the phallic phase. The boy identifies with his own gender and accepts social norms. Incorrect passage through the Oedipus complex leaves a lot of traces in personality and affects psychosexual development, including the fear of women. The consequence of the difficulty of entering the phase of the Oedipus Complex is the formation of a perverse psychosexual structure. Destructive tendencies or fantasies related to the desire of penetration are aroused.
At this stage, the father is important, who – if he is absent, cool, distant or violent – prevents the boy from passing correctly through the Oedipus Complex. Also, the role of the mother is not insignificant, because perverse people were not able in childhood to get through the separation process and achieve a separate identity, including gender identity. The result is a denial of the gender gap and creating defenses against dependence. A boy who experiences problems in a phallic phase of development with the Oedipus Complex (it is called fixation), will not enter as it should be, in the next phase of development, i.e. the period of latency. This is important because the latency phase precedes later, more mature sexuality, so that it does not become perverse. Fixation on the phallic period shapes perverse sexual preferences and a tendency to duplicate emotional problems that accompanied disruptions in the passage of the Oedipus Complex. This includes inappropriate superego formation and bisexual conflicts, which are reflected in the emotional and sexual life of an adult.

Libido, or sex drive, goes inward, and then the ego becomes a sexual object. In addition, at some developmental stage, children have a feeling of omnipotence and greatness. According to the principle that governs human psychosexual development, the most important is the moment when the child becomes aware of his own individuality (being separate person from a parent) and dependence on others. Because in the family environment of the covert narc building a healthy identity and autonomy was not possible, the child did not give up the false belief in his own omnipotence. During this time he suffered a narcissistic trauma that ruined his sense of self-worth by highlighting his weaknesses and limitations. In self-defense, he focuses his impulses on himself. Not only libido is transferred to itself (i.e. interest, curiosity) but also aggression, hence the strong fluctuations in well-being that go from self-omnipotence to inferiority and narcissistic depression. When the libido is not directed outside, other people lose in the narc’s eyes the impression of reality. For many narcissists, they are like characters from a movie or computer game, and relationships with them lose their importance.

Autoeroticism is a strong aspect of the covert narc’s sexuality. It does not refer only to masturbation, but let’s start with that. When a covert narc masturbates, he makes love to himself – his fantasies are complex and revolve around a false image of himself. He uses fetishes for sexual rituals, because these fantasies are object-oriented. Hence the tendency to paraphilics behaviors, e.g. fetishism, or in a specifically selected form, transvestitism (dressing up, among others, to enhance the excitement and sensation). The covert narc often becomes addicted to masturbation accompanied with pornography, which – as instrumental sex separating sexual excitement from emotional intimacy – strengthens his focus on the object. But autoeroticism in the case of covert narcissism is manifested above all in the fact that while having sex with someone, covert narc makes love with himself. In other words, the libido is directed at himself – that is, the false ideal “I” of the covert narc. Having sex with a narc, the partner becomes the object that the narc masturbates with. Someone’s body is just the tool he needs to make autoerotic fantasy expression without empathy possible. Dehumanization is treated in psychology as a defense mechanism that causes others to be treated impersonally. This allows the expression of hostility, aggression, humiliation, using people for narc’s own benefit. Dehumanization of others also protects the covert narc against the emotional stimulation with the perception of a real feeling in human being, which could be overwhelming for a covert narc. Dehumanization of sexual partners by a covert narcissist can be compared to the dehumanization of others by soldiers during the war, which allows them to kill opponents. Therefore, the covert narcissism resembles PTSD post-traumatic stress disorder typical of former soldiers fighting on the front (or even cPTSD).

The covert narcissist uses sex as a specific defense mechanism. Narcissism is the result of childhood trauma, as a result of which a person suffers mentally. Narcissistic trauma/injury, or painful childhood experiences, are corrected by changing them into positive emotions in sexual fantasies. The sexual partner is dehumanized in them, becomes an object, which leads to perversion or paraphilias. Thanks to these fantasies the narc triumphs and feels strong, in contrast to the feelings experienced in childhood. Covert narcissism is associated with a tendency to perverse sex and paraphilias (sexual preference disorder). Kinky and paraphilic tendencies of covert narcissism are sometimes explained as a kind of defense mechanism (so-called sexualized reversal in the opposite direction). Thanks to it, a narc transforms his fear and depression into excitement and pleasure. Physical sexual pleasure temporarily desensitizes mental pain, but does not cure it. The covert narc is unsatisfied, so the number of sexual stimuli increases, because the current level of activity is no longer sufficient.

Covert narcissism is associated with a tendency to chronic boredom. The inner emptiness causes the need to fill it with strong and new stimuli. In turn, the anti-social aspect of narcissism is associated with a tendency to dominate, searching for new sensations and risky behavior. In his childhood with his parents or a parent whose covert narc was afraid of and could never be sure of what reaction he would encounter, he unconsciously linked the pleasure of intimacy with risk, adrenaline and disappointment. In sex, he looks for a thrill, adventure, danger, surprising and forbidden / incompatible with social norms / immoral situations. Ge gets into several relationships at once, or one after the other, keeping aside contacts with other sexual objects from which she draws vital energy. He has sex with anonymous partners, without trying to meet them; participates in orgies; uses paid sex; shows dominance and power; uses utensils that increase the intensity of sensations and applies permissive practices for the dehumanization of the sexual partner, objectification, depriving him of typical human features. He readily uses psychoactive or psychedelic substances to enhance the experiences. They give him more power and high, but they also help to dehumanize another person, open the other person and deprive the other person of the will – and thus it is easier to treat someone as an object that gives him his body in a changed state of consciousness. The covert narc crosses subsequent boundaries giving vent to his sexual instincts. He draws power from proving sexual performance with numerous partners who are like sexual gadgets, inflatable dolls. He feeds his eternally hungry ego in a pathological obsession to strengthen his false self. He doesn’t care about sexually transmitted diseases, because when he is feeling well he feels all-powerful and indestructible. He does not care if he infects other sexual partners, because he does not take responsibility for his actions and their consequences for others.

Compulsive sex and too high frequency of heterosexual relationships can, however, trigger in covert narc satiety and boredom and transfer his preferences to increasingly perverted forms of sex, to representatives of his own sex or transsexuals. Although narcissistic personality disorder is one of the most common personality disorders in the group of men with sexual dysphoria (time-varying discomfort associated with cultural role or physical traits), what does look like as a sexual dysphoria in sex life of a covert narc, does not have to be a part of a larger problem of gender identity (like the desire to change sex). With high probability it comes from the deep narcissistic pathology as a desperate attempt to stabilize the fragmented “I”. Men with covert narcissism show tendency to autogynephilia, i.e. arousing fantasies based on self-image as a woman (so-called erotic target inversion). It is claimed that autogynephilia is a form of narcissistic erotic autoeroticism and a manifestation of self-concentration. It may coexist with gynandromorphophilia, i.e. sex drive directed at transsexual women who have preserved male genitals. To some extent, this is due to the intimacy desire that is difficult to realize, which is indirectly experienced through anal penetration, as giving the other person access to his intimate inner self (interior). At the same time, a person with covert narcissism can gain the feeling that he can be whatever he wants and experience the role of the gender stereotypically recognized as weaker and demanding care. So he can at least in such a way  allow himself to be passive and weak in sex, and at the same time be a party who deserves special treatment. As an actor in this momentary role, a covert narcissist can feel safer than as a man constantly maintaining control. Covert narc does not emotionally attach to sexual partners, does not respect them and does not even need to know their names, and sex is only sex for him and does not serve to deepen intimacy.

A covert narcissist, with an uncertain and fragile sense of self, would like to be stronger, better than others and does not like to be subordinated. Social norms, including those on monogamy, are reluctant. A healthy relationship should be balanced in giving and taking, which is sometimes a compromise. But the covert narc does not like to give up something for a partner, because he interprets it as a loss of control over his life. He strives to maintain sexual availability to confirm his attractiveness and feel good. In a monogamous relationship, he feels as if he was tied up in a chain, so he initiates sex outside the relationship to restore sense of control and dictate his conditions to other people. In a love relationship with a covert narcissist you have to reckon with infidelity. When the narc stays for longer with his romantic Source of supply, this Source becomes less and less attractive to him. It is difficult for him to sexualize and to dehumanize someone with whom he has created a kind of emotional bond. The bond reflects the attachment of the child’s first life bond, usually with the mother, and in adulthood, the romantic partner symbolically takes over the place once occupied by the mother. Despite the weak strength of the bond that the covert narc creates with the romantic partner, it may be awkward for him to treat his main Source of supply as a sexual prop of perverse feats. In the sphere of sex, the Source becomes a kind of holiness because the narc is not able to combine the substitute of the closeness created with her with the instrumental treatment of someone’s body. This has to do with the so-called “Madonna-whore complex“. The partner is seen as a Madonna who personifies devotion and care, and narc shares with her routine sex, or sex in general is marginalized in everyday life of a couple. The “Whore”, or sexual object outside of a romantic relationship, embodies sensuality, debauchery and filthiness. With her, sex can be exciting and unpredictable. This is due to the abnormalities in passing through the Oedipus Complex, also it’s the result of family of origin rigor, fear of female sexuality and smeared gender roles. This dualism of perceptions of femininity and sexuality makes the covert narc choose Madonna as permanent partner and want other sex objects for sex. Only sex with human-objects really excites the covert narc. And even if Madonna starts to have perverse sexual practices with the covert narc, over time she will stop being seen as Madonna and the narc will start to move away. Addiction to pornography and instrumental sex with others reinforce his tendency to separate sex from love, which is why he often has to support himself with Viagra or other stimulants while making sex with his regular partner. But pathological infidelity also helps him to saturate his ego with conquests and to create triangulations to arouse anxiety, uncertainty and jealousy in his partner. Permanent partners of covert narcissists are mentally devastated when they discover the size and variety of forms of infidelity of the beloved, who declared exclusivity and monogamy.

If the object of perversion and sexual fantasies put in action becomes a love partner, he can share pervert interest for unconventional sex or be already so much “enchanted” and submissive that he would agree to something despite himself. It is worth noting that men who are partners of narcissistic people are more open to sexual news and suggestions than women. For a women partner of a covert narc, narc’s behavior more often becomes a reason for judgment and criticism that hits a sensitive point of a narc and causes a defensive reaction (devaluation of the Source). If the Source agrees to erotic diversification, sexual addictions and perversions will escalate and not all fancies will necessarily be acceptable. And even if, after a while, it is likely that sex with a permanent partner will appear boring and the covert narc will experience increasing difficulty in sexualizing the life partner with whom he shares thoughts, conversations, joint daily activities and plans. It is hard for him to combine the substitute of emotional intimacy, which he looks for in life, with the need for instrumental autoerotic sex. Closeness and sex are so separated in the mind of the covert narcissist that they contradict one another. In the long run, pick up both of these benefits from one source is unlikely. While cheating on a permanent partner, the covert narc maintains a certain amount of stability in the area of ​​relationship and diversifies boredom by the instability and unpredictability of other sexual relations with human objects.

The sexuality of covert narcissists can vary slightly. For example, there are those who, in a stable relationship, temporarily give up sex or maintain routine sex with their permanent partner, and in the intervals between subsequent romantic relationships they throw themselves into a vortex of promiscuity and perversion. Or those whose perverse and paraphilic behaviors and debauchery persist constantly, regardless of being in a relationship with a romantic partner. The thinking of a sex addict which the covert narcissist is, is based on a lie, covert narc has learned sexual patterns, he will continue to do what he did all his life. Sex with an object gives him a boost of vital energy, which works on so-called reward system in the brain, associated with, inter alia, the development of addictions. And as it happens with addiction, after some time you need more to get the same effect. Covert narc’s sexual behavior escalates, and the search for new sexual stimuli and sensations is endless and is becoming increasingly extreme. He is not able to control his sexual behavior for a long time, limit their destructive forms or stop them for good even if they hurt his life partner. Sex obsession and fantasizing are his main coping strategies, including projection mechanism and blaming. For sex, he is willing to neglect other spheres of life and even sacrifice his relationship. For the life partner of the covert narcissist, the words “you saw what you were taking” do not apply.

Covert narcissism – sexuality:

• Dehumanization as a defense mechanism (people-objects)

• Sex as a defense mechanism

• Autoeroticism, inward libido

• Perverse behavior

• Paraphilias

• Sex addiction

• Addiction to masturbation / pornography

• Infidelity

• Non-monogamy

• Madonna – whore complex

• Fear of women

• Smeared gender

• Sex more important than love