If you are reading my blog, you are either my covert narcissist ex (she does love to stalk me) or you are trying to decide whether you may be with a covert narcissist. Either reason is good enough for me as the facts are the facts: Covert narcissists have plenty of red flags; and they appear from day one. You just need to know what to look for.
Shall we begin?
Victimization
In hindsight, this was the biggest and earliest red flag that I should have identified. Without question, this is the calling card of the covert narcissist. Her whole life story was one of being a victim; from not being able to have a dog when she was a child; to her ex husband; to every job she had ever had (except Dunkin’ Donuts.) The job history was one of the bigger indicators because she presented every job that she lost as being a matter of her being “too good looking” or that she “dressed better than everyone else.”
Coupled with her troubled job history was her claims of constantly being sexually harassed. Again, this all went back to how she looked and dressed. Are you seeing a theme here?
Family Relationships
When I first met my covert narcissist, she was divorced. Her son lived with her and her daughter lived with her dad. My covert narcissist had no relationship with her daughter, claiming she was brainwashed by her narcissist ex-husband. Hmm. Over the course of our relationship, I grew to appreciate that my covert narcissist played her children against each other. She was always not on speaking terms with one or the other. Today, she had no relationship with either of her children.
Another glaring red flag that I chose to ignore was with respect to her previous marriage. As you would expect dating anyone who is divorced, you always are interested in hearing what happened. In her case, she met her ex on a radio dating game. She also shared that the day after her son was born that she wanted a divorce. Her parents refused to help her out. So instead, she waited 16 years to the day to file for divorce. Why 16 years? Because her sone would be old enough to decide who he wanted to live with. Of course, that raises the question about her daughter who was two years younger. That didn’t matter to her. (Warning, warning, warning.)
I should have ran to the hills after hearing that because anyone who has a 16 year countdown calendar for divorce has some serious issues going on.
Too Perfect
There is one thing to have a lot in common with somebody you are involved with. However, there does come a point where things are just “too perfect.” Early on, narcissists mirror their victims. Mine was no exception. Her dreams and aspirations matched my own. “Turning my home into a vacation spot” was one of many indicators that were there. Every aspect of our lives seemed identical…too identical in hindsight. There is the saying that if something is too good to be true, it probably is. Covert narcissists are your dream come true….at least in the love bombing phase.
Summary
One could easily look at any of these things and say, “well, don’t we all have that to some extent.” True. However, in the case of the covert narcissist, look for extremes in all things that they do. That is the key differentiator. The covert narcissist will have you believe that they have experienced the worst of the worst, and none of it is their fault. At the same time, they will have you believe that they are the best thing to have ever walked into your life….absolute perfection.
The red flags are there from the get go. One only needs to turn off the blinders and they are plain as day.