Understanding Covert Narcissism – Part One

I work with people on the sphere of love and publish books about it, because many people dream about love and then they find themselves in relationships that disappoint or worse, hurt and destroy them. Love is one of the fundamental human needs and no wonder it occupies an important place in our lives. Who wouldn’t want to feel loved? But love is not only about taking, but also about being able to give love to others. Today I write about love relationships formed by people with the characteristics of covert narcissism, because an enormous number of former partners of such people are tormented by the question of what the other person felt and whether it was love.
Narcissists create a kind of emotional connection in which the other person is a giver, an object needed to supply the narcissist with life-giving energy. Narcissists can fall in love but they are not able to love. Isn’t it true that a relationship that one forms with someone is a reflection of the relationship one has with himself? In a trauma-bond with a covert narcissist, the partner meets demons from his beloved’s past. So let’s have a look at how love entanglement with a narcissist looks like in life and in the bedroom. But before we get to the topic, a few words of introduction:

• I use the word “narcissist” or “narc” not to label, because the diagnosis should be made individually by a mental health specialist. Using this term, I refer to a group of narcissism-related characteristics. Narcissistic persons may have different intensity of traits, in other words they meet the criteria of narcissistic personality disorder or, if the intensity of traits is high, they have a feature of disorder, although they are not clinically disturbed. They may also have co-existing personality disorders. Also, narcissistic features are manifested in a more visible or hidden-covert way. Thus, narcissists are a diverse group, although having their specificity, which may be more or less intense.
• I use the male form to describe the phenomenon, but narcissism also applies to women.
• When writing about a romantic partner, I use the form “partner” as a generalization by which
  I mean a romantic partner being a woman or a man-partner of a narcissistic person. The reader can refer the information to a particular case, depending on the sex of the people in the relationship. Features and typical behavior strategies related to covert narcissism are typical for women and men. I also call the partner the “Source of supply” of vital energy, not out of disrespect, but that’s what the partner is for the covert narcissist.
• I divided the text into 4 parts: I. general characteristics of people with covert narcissism;
  II. description of the love relationship cycle and typical behaviors of the covert narcissist; III. sexuality associated with covert narcissism and its genesis; IV. sexuality in a romantic relationship with the covert narc.

I devote special attention to sexuality related to covert narcissism, because it is an important and often overlooked area in literature that poses many challenges for partners.

Covert (oversensitive) narcissism

The relationship with the narcissist hurts and it is better to avoid it. But recognizing that you deal with someone with a narcissistic disorder or narcissism is not always easy. Narcissism is associated mainly with the grandiose tendency. Meanwhile, narcissism can have two sides – the explicitly large, shiny, haughty and insensitive – but also less evident: helpful, shy, pathologically sensitive, dependent, anxious. There is a variety of so-called covert narcissism, also known as oversensitive narcissism. As the name suggests, such people seem sensitive, emotional and somewhat introverted. They form a toxic connection with a partner, because in childhood the parent’s behavior was not supportive to their development of a healthy identity and autonomy. In the first important relationship with an adult caregiver, the child functions united with him – as “We”. In this initial symbiosis, a child learns to balance his need for intimacy with the need for independence, with an adult who is physically and emotionally available, attentive and understanding the child’s behavior and being able to follow his signals in a way adapted to the needs of the child. And at the same time gradually gives him the initiative, providing a sense of security and support if needed. Thanks to this, the child acquires skill in functioning as a separate entity and builds his identity (“I”) with the confidence that he can return to his beloved person at any time. The skillful support of a parent in this process teaches that in love, closeness and independence can coexist in a love relationship. That you can value your own independence feeling close connection with a loved one. The features of narcissism are to some extent genetically determined, but the family environment is also important. The development of narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic traits is associated with childhood trauma (injury), the so-called narcissistic trauma.

A small child, weak and vulnerable in the world, did not have someone’s loving and accepting eyes that he could often look into in order to find himself; protective arms in which he would feel safe; he didn’t have the closest adult to reflect his emotional states and teach him about himself. The lack of such a reflection is, moreover, emphasized as one of the factors in the development of covert narcissism and the search in adult life for someone who could provide a mirror image that was missing during childhood and adolescence. The child did not receive adequate support in important developmental stages and did not learn to understand others and maintain valuable relationships with them. He had no chance in his family to break free from symbiosis to develop individuality, separation from a violent parent or parents. The shame he felt while being unhealthy dependent on someone who hurt him became a fertile soil for the development of narcissism. This child was disapproved and there was no empathy from parents but disapproval and criticism, excessive demands, hurt and emotional and / or physical violence. His emotional needs were ignored and depreciated and the boundaries were violated, crossed. He was treated as an object and not as a person. It is important to understand that in future life this is how he will perceive others – as objects, tools, and not as people with their feelings and personal boundaries.

In the family environment, the child felt rising resentment, frustration, aggression and the need to defend himself against extreme hate. But non-functional ways of self-defense ultimately destroy self-image. Escaping from the painful reality, the child lived in fantasies in which he was important – he created a false ideal image of himself. In the absence of a real sense of identity, this image has permanently become a reference, serving in childhood as a shield hiding the faint battered real ‘I’ in contact with a stronger and dangerous parent. And the more someone seeks to confirm the ideal ‘I’, the more he moves away from his true ‘I’ – which only strengthens the false ‘I’, insecurity and sense of shame. Hidden behind a false self-image, the childish weak real ‘I’, which had no chance to mature, was disappearing.

As an adult, the covert narc remains immature, his identity is fluid, uncertain and crushed. He is hardly involved in work, he is rarely satisfied and quickly gets bored, so he can change jobs relatively often. He thinks he shouldn’t work a lot, because he suffered so much in his life that he is entitled to it and deserves it. Lack of real self-knowledge makes the covert narcissist perceive himself as an individualist. He does not respect authorities and lives in a conflicted world created in the mind that does not conform to external social norms. This also distinguishes him from the grandiose narcs, which nowadays find their place in many industries and professions, but also in the society of Western countries, where focusing on one’s own interest and emanating one’s ego is quite widely accepted. The specificity of covert narcissism makes it difficult for a person with such a disorder or its features to integrate into a community for longer. Covert narcs, however, are closer to the chameleon than to the individualist who knows himself and his values. The feeling of being an individualist may also result from the coexistence of other personality disorders, such as avoidance personality traits, which in this case even leads to episodes of social phobia.

A covert narc strongly needs a sense of control to feel safer. He controls others to give him recognition, vitality and meaning of life, but also to avoid their feelings or behavior that would threaten him. Although narcissism is considered a personality disorder or a syndrome of specific characteristics, it is closer to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and bond disorder (attachment disorder). The reaction to persistent narcissistic trauma in the mind is addiction (to substance, sex, people) and blaming others. However, a narcissist will not admit it, because these are his non-functional mechanisms for dealing with childhood mental scars.

The covert narcissism is also associated with a tendency to chronic boredom and low tolerance for boredom. In their lives there is boredom and emptiness when they are in a relationship, or life is full of stimuli and excitement when they’re looking for the perfect partner, who will start to get them bored again after a while. The inner emptiness causes the need to fill it with strong and new stimuli. It can turn towards addictions, for example psychoactive/psychedelic substances that provide strong sensations in a world of mental fantasy. They tear away from the painful internal and external reality, and at the same time, they let a narc feel power and confidence for a short while. Another common addiction is: masturbation / pornography, sex addiction, paraphilias (more about sexuality in Part III); food dependency, etc.

Covert narc has no sense of self, so he has a changing mood – once he feels like a perfect powerful superman, another time he gets shy and embarrassed. His functioning is unstable and resembles a sinusoidal arrangement of peak moments and moments of breakdown. When his belief that omnipotence is possible breaks down (so-called dysphoria – a serious episodic deep mood reduction, the main factor of depression of people with covert narcissism), hypersensitivity causes depressive moods. Depression can be slightly different from what it usually looks like and often manifests itself in the form of rage, disregards and condemnation. Adults with narcissistic features carry through life the deeply hidden fears of childhood, the lack of a basic sense of security, and fantasies of superiority. They need someone to help them maintain a stable state of mind. A person with covert narcissism suffers from a sense of inferiority, doubts about himself, shame and his own mental fragility. This all lies deep in the mind and soul of the covert narc, who will do everything possible not to confront and admit these feelings. Because of the unique suffering experienced in childhood and adolescence, he wants to be seen as someone special. To gain recognition for how much life has experienced him. But his fantasies of grandeur aren’t so openly manifested, as in the case of typical-grandiose narcissism. Covert narc wants to stand out, wants glory and admiration, but no flashlight. He will seek admiration in a more hidden way, hiding behind the mask of a romantic soul with a sensitive heart. Although he has moved away from feeling the self, he does not have to be completely devoid of empathy, which distinguishes him from the grandiose narc. He does not have emotional empathy, i.e. the ability to feel with someone, to be with someone and his feelings; but he can have (in varying degrees of intensity) cognitive empathy, so-called cold empathy. Thanks to this, in romantic relationships, the covert narc receives the emotions and recognizes the needs of the partner, although he is not able to imagine partner’s feelings to understand his decisions, attitudes and actions. In place of emotional empathy and experience, the covert narc understands what someone else thinks, but not what this person feels. In his head there are many thoughts about what he thinks and how he should feel at different moments. However, he pretends to be empathetic towards his partner, especially at the beginning of the relationship, when he gains admiration and makes him dependent on himself. Later, he no longer has to pretend, especially when he does not want or need anything from his partner. Then, in response to the partner’s request for empathy, for example when he asks him for empathy telling how he feels after a hard day, the covert narc will show that he does not care about his partner’s feelings or he is not curious about what triggered them. He will break the conversation, change the subject, not take the side of his partner – he will be the “devil’s attorney” or cause an argument to distract from the subject and put himself in the spotlight. Inability to feel real empathy is an important aspect of the functioning of the covert narc, because cold empathy allows to see someone’s perspective, but lack of emotional empathy doesn’t allow him to show kind concern. This makes cold empathy the fuel for manipulating others without worrying about the consequences of his actions. Emotional empathy is needed to reveal oneself in front of one’s partner, to reveal one’s true self, to communicate feelings coming from the world of inner experiences, to get to know one’s true self and the real partner, to take into account the effects of one’s own actions also from the position of the other’s feelings, to feel the partner as a living whole and treat him/her as a human being, to love with reciprocity, to feel gratitude and happiness. It helps to engage in mutual relations with a partner with respect for his feelings, to give emotional support, empathic readiness to help, to build true emotional closeness, it gives the awareness of mutual needs, in sum it’s the basis of good functioning in the relationship. Lack of emotional empathy of the covert narc causes concentration on oneself, selfishness, accusation, contempt and other negative emotions and leads to distancing from the partner. As it can be seen from the lack of emotional empathy alone, the covert narc is not predisposed to love and create healthy relationships.

One of the myths about narcissistic people is that they don’t know themselves. Meanwhile, covert narcissists have a certain knowledge of themselves, resulting from experiences in love relationships.  But this information is not processed in a way to reflect reality. Covert narcissist knows what he’s doing, but he’s focused on himself and his own benefits, and someone else counts only when he can be useful. But narcissist doesn’t realize it. He sees himself as someone who has the ability to sense what a partner wants and willingness to meet his partner’s needs to please another person, help or protect. He is proud of this, considering himself a good man, and even too nice, which he thinks makes others want too much – in his opinion they hurt him and exploit him. He blames partners and although he likes to judge and label others, he does not even allow the label of narcissism to himself. Such insinuation would threaten his false self, hurting himself straight into narcissistic injury. A covert narc wants to be loved and sometimes, when he feels mentally weaker, he reflects on his choice of partners. Nevertheless, although he wants to be loved, he hurts his partners – in other words: he wants something other than he experiences, because his actions contradict these desires. Deep in the unconscious, love is inherently associated with mental pain. The negative emotions in him affect his attitude towards others. Narcissism is such a thick psychic wall that it’s hard to see it and destroy it by oneself. The covert narc will sooner associate his  perceived goodness with something more acceptable than narcissism, for example with the characteristics of highly sensitive people with the sensation seeking trait (the so-called HSP with sensation seeking), or with the so-called People Pleasing Syndrome. He can be perceived as willing to please someone and by the way the covert narc had to please parents as a child. In fact the covert narcissism and People Pleaser syndrome are associated with similar behaviors associated with manipulation. However, there is a basic difference between the people pleasing syndrome and covert narcissism, such as that in the first case someone likes to give pleasure to better / more important / stronger others or even devote himself to them for his own benefit, such as preventing rejection or due to a tendency to dependence; and in the second case, it is done with a desire to gain a sense of superiority over others, to have control over them and to make them dependent. Thus, the pathological wizard puts his own person first, above the diminished others. Covert narcissist, however, will sooner justify the failure of his relationships by the fact that “bad others” use his goodness because he is too nice than he will face his own covert narcissism and everything that is associated with it.

In the case of covert narcissism, the instinctive automatic patterns of thinking, emotional response and behavior are stronger than free will. They were shaped in childhood to help to survive and in adulthood they were unwittingly repeated and trained to perfection.  This does not justify in any way the fact that covert narc hurts his “loved ones”. But in adulthood, he still operates from the position of a hurt child. Covert narc did not know true love in his family home and his false ideal identity requires appreciation. So he tends to confuse admiration or adoration with love. Someone with the features of covert narcissism sabotages his chances of love, because as soon as the relationship goes well, he will find a way to spoil it. Such people spend their lives helping others, feeling they are their saviors, although in reality they hurt their “loved ones”, just as they were hurt in their childhood.

A covert narc, who lacks healthy self-love, needs someone who will be his main Source of supply of life energy. He chooses a partner who is exceptional in his eyes (beauty, social status, achievements, etc.) so that gaining the feelings of such a person will increase his self-esteem. He wants to merge into unity as soon as possible so that thanks to the co-experienced feelings of the other person he can feel himself more. He gladly takes feelings felt by his partner, which can energize him. At the speed of light, he creates a pseudo-close relationship in which a partner becomes addicted to him, loses himself and gives in. Narc will be constantly focused on maintaining control, pulling out as much as possible from the other person. Controlling and manipulating the partner is an exhausting job, but it is also a part of the pleasure of the narcissist. Shaping the thoughts, feelings and behaviors of an attractive Source gives him a sense of strength and vital energy. But when the Source becomes too submissive and loses its power, or can no longer be controlled, it ceases to be attractive to the narcissist. Because in the ”love” of the covert narc there is no such thing as “my dearest one”.
The partner is an object, a tool to meet narcissistic needs. The moment he blends with the narcissist, he becomes his Avatar, not a living person. The covert narc does not respect people, healthy dependence and trust in love are impossible for him. Although he can fall in love, he cannot feel and keep love because other people are only a temporary prosthesis of his ego.

As you can see after this description, the covert narcissism deviates from the common notion of narcissism, differing from the grandiose narcissism. You can live with someone with such character traits and not be able to recognize narcissism in them. It is worth being aware of the existence of this variety of narcissism, because getting into the clutches of such a predator with – seemingly – dove heart, leaves deep scars on the psyche.

– Unconscious concept of oneself: feeling inferior, doubting oneself, feeling of shame, fragility, hypersensitivity to failures and criticism.

– Socially: low professional engagement, many superficial interests, nagging, chronic boredom and low tolerance of boredom.

– Interpersonally: incapable of trusting others, jealous of others’ talents and achievements, needing emotional support, promises-breaker, incapable of creating a deep emotional bond, violating boundaries of others, no respect for their time.

– Ethically: it changes values for benefits, a pathological liar, a tendency to disregard social norms.

– Sexuality: autoeroticism, sexual partners treated as objects, addicted to sex, paraphilias, escalating perverse behavior, infidelity, non-monogamy, Madonna-whore complex, risk taker etc.