Understanding Covert Narcissism – Part Four

Covert narcissism in love and sex. Relationship with a predator in a romantic mask.

Part IV: Sexuality in a romantic relationship with a covert narc – validation / abuse

Describing life with a covert narcissist, I assumed that the partner is a woman, because it is usually for women that the sexuality of a loved one is a greater challenge. A woman, therefore, meets a man, falls in love with him and very quickly becomes close. She doesn’t know that she is dealing with a covert narcissist, so she trusts him and thinks that he is her soul mate, THE ONE. And sex is a hidden control tool for a covert narcissist and serves, among others, to impress and manipulate the romantic partner. A covert narc usually tries to be a perfect lover, because this is how he confirms his own uniqueness. He achieves this uniqueness thanks to virtuosity in erotic techniques. In the idealization phase, as part of love-bombing, a covert narc collects information needed to create a mask, in which he wins the favor of the selected person. He’ll make her trust him, open her emotionally and sexually, give him her body and life. Sex with a new partner usually occurs quickly and the covert narc wants to make her addicted to him by giving her the best sex in her life. But even the multiple orgasms he gives her have nothing to do with the desire to please her. They are part of building the image of a narcissist as an outstanding lover. The covert narc does not forget about hugs, eyes contact and tender words. Over time, however, one can feel that, despite having good sex, something is missing in these moments of making love. Because sex with a partner with whom a covert narc has built a bond is mechanical. The narc is more focused on the technical aspect than on the emotional closeness that sex co-creates in a healthy relationship. He prefers to treat sexual partners as objects, not as people who have their feelings and boundaries. In what he calls “love”, he treats his partner like an object – Source of narcissistic supply, and he shows similar preferences in the sphere of sexuality.

In sex with a permanent partner, after a period of praise and making her addicted to him, the covert narc begins to use vulgarisms and erotic gadgets to turn up the atmosphere, proposes dressing up to add spice, begins subtly and tests his power over another person. There may be objections from her side, which will trigger a phase of devaluation (I write about the phases of the narcissistic cycle in Part II). Some partners, however, agree with the ideas of their narc-partner, because – as he assures – they are soul mates connected to each other, destined and energetically tuned. The partner therefore agrees, feeling special for her beloved, with whom, as narc says, he wants to try some erotic experiments for the first time. A sexual rollercoaster begins, which is a power play for the narc. The covert narc does not know his boundaries and does not respect boundaries of other people, does not respect that the other person may have fears, resistances, different tastes and her own boundaries. In sex, he will cross them and violate them, playing with someone, testing how strong his power is over someone, experimenting with someone’s body and feelings. His violence has unobvious form, because he manipulates thoughts and feelings of the other person, drawing her into the mind game. He creates his own narrative, according to which he does not do anything wrong, and his actions are even beneficial to the victim (for example, that he opens her up to new techniques, helps her to free herself from stereotypes, liberate her sexually, etc.). The partner will not notice how it has happened that she does things that she does not feel like doing.

When she becomes submissive and the narcissist is certain that he has made her totally addicted and dependent, he starts to get bored, because she is no longer a challenge for him. He is looking for other sexual objects or he is reaching out for a “spare wheel”, i.e. someone he holds in reserve. Or suddenly he becomes indifferent and even mentions about his reduced sex drive. He does it to make his partner feel desperate and initiate sex contacts. He plays with her, breaking her when she tries to go back to what was between them. He compares her to someone who excites him more; he says he prefers anal penetration, which she can’t give him and the strap-on, though he wanted it before – now it’s not the same as a real penis. Or he says he prefers to spend time with pornography than having sex with her. Or he blames her for being bored because she agreed to have sex too quickly. He can also use the intimate information against her, which she told him in confidence at the stage of love-bombing. Gaslighting used in the devaluation phase of the narcissistic cycle, is also used in the sphere of sexuality – to make her feel more and more worthless, sexually unattractive. He does the same if he tries to be faithful. Over time, he then feels isolated from other sexual objects, his secondary energy sources, and begins to hate his partner for it. He is strongly frustrated and the repressed impulses are boiling in him. He may eventually refuse her sex to frustrate her, or say the words quoted earlier to oppress her and punish her. Lack of interest in sexual intercourse with a permanent partner may also be due to Madonna – whore complex. In turn, if the partner does not want sex, a covert narcissist can dehumanize her, turn her into a sexual slave and even rape her. Impulsive actions are a kind of catharsis, and after that the covert narc can start with a blank white card. After such situations, he usually uses gaslighting so that the partner would understand that he had no other choice. Sexuality in romantic relationship with a covert narcissist is a cycle of validation and abuse. After alleviating the situation, the narcissist uses love-bombing and gives the partner back his favors. Until he wants something again.

In sex, which started a relationship as an expression of love, the partner is destroyed over time. In need of strong and diverse stimuli, the covert narc wants erotic triangles, swinging, sex with many people of different sexes, including transsexuals, he would like to watch someone else having sex with his partner or vice versa, makes a pressure for an open relationship and sexual promiscuity. He proposes and makes pressure on his partner and although he doesn’t like to negotiate, he can go as far as to promise something in return. He makes promises he will not keep, and if his partner opposes – he will punish her soon devaluating her. And although men often crave Madonna, who will become just for him a whore in his bed – it just doesn’t work in case of a covert narc touched by Madonna-whore complex. Covert narc can’t fantasize about perverse sex with his Madonna. He may want to experiment with her to test his power, but he keeps being more attracted to people-objects outside of the relationship.

Knowing that he committed infidelity in his previous relationships and the detection of infidelity may have resulted in rejection, he may come up with an open relationship proposal to eliminate the threat of potential rejection that would hurt him badly. Most often, however, a permanent partner who loves a covert narc, treats the offer of non-monogamy very personally. She doesn’t know everything about the narcissist’s complex psyche and sexuality, so she feels rejected. She does not understand why a loved one wants to have sex with others, since she loves him so much and tries so hard. She internalizes pain, shame and suffers. Her self-esteem can weaken so much that she agrees to let other sexual people-objects into the relationship or to extreme forms of sex, to keep a partner. But the mental pain can be so horrible that she agrees to an open relationship, not to experience it anymore and not to risk losing her beloved partner. And while the covert narc ensures that she is the only one important to him and others are only for sex, she goes crazy with despair when he makes appointments with others. For a permanent partner of a covert narcissist, there is actually no good solution. Because even if she has the inner peace to let him do what he wants as long as she maintains a bond with him, their relationship will be empty and painful. The paradox is that a covert narcissist often falls in love with a person with moral or possessive principles, which means that he unconsciously provokes what he is so afraid of. So he has little chance of creating an open relationship with his permanent partner, unless the partner gives up against her will. If she disagrees, the narc will leave her or cheat. Because he is a player. Life is for a covert narcissist a game to win and feel greater strength. If he wants energy from sex with others, he is ready to even destroy his own relationship.

These are just some of all possible sexual behaviors associated with covert narcissism. It is rare that a covert narc does not maintain any sexual relations, even when he is with someone in a stable relationship. Escaping the inner void into perverse sex provides his false identity with energy, passion for life and attention of others. But covert narcissists may vary, some prefer more conquests, others prefer pornography or paid sex, and others derive from the full range of possibilities as long as they have enough life time. However, there is no such force that any permanent partner will make a covert narcissist stop treating people as objects. He has sex with them, but he makes love only with his own perfect ‘I’. And that’s why sex, which in a healthy relationship strengthens the bond, in a relationship with a covert narcissist moves partners away from each other. And ultimately it is more important to a covert narcissist than love.

Covert narcissism – sexuality:

• Dehumanization as a defense mechanism

• Sex as a defense mechanism

• Autoeroticism, inward libido

• Perverse behavior

• Paraphilias

• Sex addiction

• Addiction to masturbation / pornography

• Infidelity

• Nonmonogamy

• Madonna – whore complex

• Fear of women

• Smeared gender

• Sex more important than love