Understanding Covert Narcissism – Part Two

Covert narcissism in love and sex. Relationship with a predator in a romantic mask.

Part II. Narcissistic love cycle

Narcissistic love cycle – 1. Idealization

The relationship with a narc is characterized by three phases, which form a single or repeating cycle. The first phase is idealization. Seeing a partner through pink glasses is typical of the state of infatuation. Nevertheless, in the case of a covert narc, such idealization is a particularly significant because he has created in his mind an image of the ideal partner and he wants to fit the person he meets into these unrealistic expectations. By perceiving the positive qualities in the chosen Source of narcissistic supply, it is confirmed that he has chosen someone perfect. He subtly creates his uniqueness by telling something that distinguishes him from others or boasting about something original that he has. He carefully examines the viewer because he wants to imagine what impression he has made. His need to be respected and to get the confirmation of his uniqueness can be seen in the expectations of his partner’s reaction – for example, he likes it very much when the partner admits he is right. But he is also curious about his partner, one can even get the impression that he is moving too quickly on topics that are still too personal to share them freely at such an early stage. But he does it in such a charming way that the other person usually falls into a trap. The covert narc asks a lot of questions in order to gather as much information as possible, which will allow him to choose the right mask, in which he will play the personification of someone’s dreams of a perfect partner. He will use the same information in the next phase of the cycle against the partner.

A typical procedure of this phase is love-bombing, which aims to make the other person dependent and even addicted to him. The covert narc puts a lot of effort into quickly establishing a pseudo closeness – his partner may even feel that things are going not only too quickly, but it is too beautiful to be true. And in fact the covert narc creates an illusion in which one can feel like in a fairy tale. While gaining someone’s favor, the covert narc tunes himself into another person and “reflects” someone else’s needs. He likes to emphasize it as something special – a soulmate relationship that distinguishes this one unique bond. At this stage, he can actually intensively receive emotions from a person whom he idealizes and believes he has just met someone perfect. A certain dose of cold empathy allows him to be interested in his partner, discern his way of thinking, “read thoughts”, adapt to his partner’s way of seeing the world, choose the right words. And thanks to learning ways to show empathy (when he is comfortable with it – and in the idealization phase he is), he shows curiosity and insincerely “mirror” preferences, dreams, dislikes of the other person – intensifying the bond. He watches carefully what the other person needs, he is a great observer of every move and meaning of the sentence. He makes it clear that he is close to what is important to the partner, that he understands, thinks the same; he appreciates the partner, flatters him and wants to share interests. He has many interests, but superficial ones. He does not deepen them because of fear that he will not be perfect or he abandons interests when the changed conditions reduce the chances of achieving the mastery. He easily changes views, likes or interests to merge with another person. He also changes his values ​​as it suits him. Actually, in each subsequent relationship at the stage of idealization, he puts together as a puzzle his new “I”, adapting to the new person – in effect still not knowing who he really is. However, such readiness for a flexible fit is deceptive and occurs only when it suits him. In fact, a covert narc sees only his interests and he is not able to sacrifice anything for a partner, nor really give up anything. The other person is a Source of narcissistic supply, not a separate living person with own needs and feelings. The idealization phase is a beautiful time for a Source of supply, who feels appreciated, praised, cared for and tossed with gifts. The Source of supply is often surprised by pleasant surprises, has great sex and shared time, receives messages for good morning, good night and many more during the day – because a covert narc needs to know that he is constantly in someone’s head. And he is, the partner cannot even say how much he is happy. The Source of supply is convinced this is the right man, this is The One. The covert narc compares the Source of supply to his previous love partners, which he points out to shortcomings emphasizing that the current partner is better than them in every aspect. In this way, the covert narc manipulates the emotional needs of the Source to make him or her feel appreciated. And he can create himself as the perfect partner to gain the trust of the other person, and then be able to control his partner more efficiently.

If such intense romantic interest happens at the very beginning of the relationship, it is worth being alert. Perhaps you are the object of narcissistic love-bombing. True closeness requires time and gradual deepening of emotional intimacy. If someone accelerates too much from the beginning, or even pressures the partner to keep up with him, the dynamics of the relationship can be toxic. If someone agrees to this, he must be aware of the fact that over time there will be more and more manipulation and less and less personal freedom. However, it is difficult for many people to resist the charm of a covert narcissist – who of us does not want to feel adored and loved? And the covert narcissist knows exactly what emotions he should play with to win this game.

It may happen that in this all-encompassing love-bombing the partner will feel or see that something is wrong. In the initial stages of love, the narcissist shows himself as someone open, tender, warm and trustworthy. Because he is only a human, he can sometimes forget about playing the role and then for a moment he will show his different face. But the “enchanted” partner will probably think that it cannot be true. If he has love deficits himself, he will not listen to intuition. Often the body says something, intuition suggests, but someone in love often does not want to listen to it and ignores the signals to continue to get the narcissist’s attention and “love”.

Narcissistic love cycle – 2. Devaluation

After the period of idealization, when the narc made the partner dependent and the goal was achieved, it may happen that the Source of supply has become too submissive. In such a way the Source loses valuable personal resources and narc feels bored. This is the moment when he can look around for sexual objects if he has not already done so. They will diversify his monotony of being in a relationship and provide a fresh boost of energy as its secondary sources. At such a moment, the partner is devaluated, and the covert narc shows its dark side. But the devaluation phase can also occur when the partner sees the first unclear features in the image of the so far ideal beloved one and begins to mention it. It does not have to be even a criticism, because the covert narc is oversensitive and capture the slightest change in expression or tone of voice, and even in the attention devoted to him (for example, he likes to call his partner when the partner has an important meeting, at work, with family or friend, to distract him from others and remind about himself). And he easily takes personally something that was not directed against him. He may even not like someone else having a different opinion, because it threatens his created myth about the wise and wonderful himself. Anything that hits the truth about him or threatens a false “I” is treated as an insult, disrespect and criticism. He does not like himself and he is his greatest critic – he often hears an inner voice telling him that he is not good enough. It is very difficult for him that someone sees his imperfection. He puts a lot of effort into creating a mirage of his own uniqueness. Criticism, even constructive in the form of a developmental challenge, suggests that there is room for improvement, which is not consistent with his view of reality. In his eyes, others are bad and hurtful, and they should change. In addition, his lack of boundaries makes the covert narc thin-skinned and he takes everything personally, which makes him very emotionally reactive and self-defensive.
When criticizing a covert narcissist, or even paying his attention to his mistakes, one must keep in mind that he will become the object of the narc’s hidden anger. In the case of a covert narc the most often manifested in a passive-aggressive form. In response to criticism, the narcissist may show disregard by humiliating and diminishing his partner. Disregard, contempt and arrogance are his defense against shame. You can, even without intention, so deeply touch the narc that he will react with disproportionate rage. This means that the narcissistic injury was touched – the former psychic wound began to fester, releasing pain and shame, and the narc for a moment doubted whether he was as magnificent as his false “I” indicates. But such momentary doubt has nothing to do with reflection, narc blames the partner for the whole situation and will destructively try to take revenge. Although he may want to ease the crisis after such an event, if he still sees a chance to get something more out of his partner. However, he does not forget the words of criticism that deeply hurt him. Nor does he forgive them, although he may say he did. He holds a grudge and cannot forgive because he has not forgiven the hurt from his childhood and lives with a psychic scar under which negative emotions pulsate. And as long as they are there, they destroy the psyche and cast a shadow over relationships with others. The criticism of the partner kindles hatred, the covert narc devaluates ​​the partner, despises him and wants to punish him and see him suffering. And because he does not forget, any triviality can give him the opportunity for revenge.

One of the methods used by the covert narc is triangulation. It is connected with the appearance in the life of a narc of someone negative towards his partner. It may even sometimes seem that this person occupies a higher position in the eyes of the narc than his/her permanent partner. The covert narc creates such situations so that the partner starts competing, proving that he is better. The narcissist believes that he has control over the other person’s feelings and in fact he is good at it. He has already gathered so much information that he knows perfectly well what the partner’s sensitive points are and where to go in order to trigger his emotional reaction. The influence on the emotions of others is also connected with the mechanism of projection. The covert narcissist removes from his ego bad aspects of mental experiences by projecting them on the partner, which makes the person who has become the recipient of the projection the persecutor, enemy and abuser. The projection is a reflection of narc’s autobiography. The partner is blamed for mistakes and defects of the narc, which he is not able to tolerate. This is because the oversensitive covert narc “feels” that there are demons hiding deeply inside him – but no way he allows himself the thought that he can be egocentric, egotistical, controlling and manipulative. He unconsciously blames his partner for his former narcissistic trauma and puts his unacceptable thoughts and feelings into him. For example, he accuses his partner of being controlling – because he does not admit his own need for control. He reproaches him for being jealous because he considers himself exceptional and therefore worth the jealousy, while he is the one who envies others. He projects his inner sadness, longing, loneliness, powerlessness, guilt and fear on the other person. He considers these feelings to be “weak” because they do not give him strength and he cannot deal with them in a functional way. Although at the beginning of the relationship he could have texted that he was missing the partner, now he doesn’t like when his partner shows his longing because he does not like this state of “weakness” and he fears being dependent. He is annoyed by his partner’s manifestation of emotional needs, because having them makes him feel dependent and he dramatically defends his sense of freedom. He does not like it when his partner needs attention because he wants to put himself in the center of it. By transferring-projecting his negative feelings to his partner, he is making the partner similar to his “hidden self” – until the partner becomes insecure, jealous and weak. Or he will enter into the given role of persecutor and start behaving in a different way than he is used to, but according to the narc’s scenario. It’s difficult to throw off someone’s bad emotions, which have been transferred through the projection mechanism. The partner, interwined into an emotional symbiosis, starts to have more and more doubts about himself. The projection mechanism is one of the defensive mechanisms that protects the psyche from the possibility of discovering the true source of narc’s mental pain. When you are convinced that your own mental discomfort has been caused by your partner and you blame him, you cannot see how life’s experiences have contributed to your current well-being and what is today a real trigger of emotional response. And if you already have a guilty one, you don’t have to think about it, and thus there is no chance to solve the real problem that is hidden behind the projection mechanism. Each time the covert narc uses projection, it strengthens more and more this rigid pattern of reaction.   

Devaluation may also occur when the Source of narcissistic supply wants to fulfill its passions etc. out of the relationship and thus gets out of control of the narc. The covert narc does not like to lose control, so he may try to weaken his partner and prevent this from happening. Besides, although he may claim to encourage his partner to self-fulfillment, the covert narc is jealous of others’ achievements. He himself dreams of greatness, which he rarely realizes for fear that he will not succeed. Therefore, his actions contradict the words and he can create relational “dramas” in order to distract his partner from other matters and weaken him. In the devaluation phase, he destroys his partner’s chances of success, reduces his achievements, enjoys the other person’s failures. When something good happens in a partner’s life or the partner has some worries and therefore experiences joy or sadness, the covert narc suddenly starts to attract his attention. He takes away the other person’s own life, putting himself at the center of important events. If the partner is not confident enough in his actions, feels anxiety or doubts, the covert narc will take advantage of this “weakness”. He will emphasize his superiority, sarcastically instruct, criticize. He does not care about what the partner is going through, considering that his troubles are his fault, just as the problems of the narcissist are also his partner’s fault. And even if the partner starts to insist on his rights, he will hear that he needs too much attention or that he is too emotional, and that no one else would stand with such a person. The intention is to make the partner feel worse, not good enough and hypersensitive, while showing only normal human emotions. In this way the narc arouses feelings of guilt and every opportunity is good for him to provoke uncertainty. The partner often feels guilty about focusing on his own affairs. And just as he was pleasantly surprised once at the stage of idealization, he is still surprised, but in a negative way. The covert narc does it so cleverly and in a subtle way that his partner is not aware of the manipulation. He is convinced that the loved one understands him and supports him without noticing that every time he could do something for himself, the narc creates a situation that hinders it.

Although the partner may have already lost his sense of security and safety, there are also nice moments in this phase of relationship. Thanks to these flashes of the old-days sun, the partner can somehow survive in relationship chaos, hoping that everything will still work out somehow. However, one can already see that what the covert narc was saying at the beginning of the relationship, when he tuned in to the Source to charm it, has nothing to do with reality. At that time he said that he shared interests or was willing to try something new that the partner was interested in – now the common activities mostly concern what the narc wants. And the covert narc is still developing its range of possibilities. A typical mechanism of this phase of relationship cycle is gaslighting. It consists in the narc telling his partner that there is something wrong with him, that he is behaving or thinking irrationally. The narc concentrates on pointing out mistakes to his partner ignoring his own ones. Gaslighting often concerns infidelity. With his behavior or words, narc can provoke suspicion in his partner, casting him as a jealous person, and making him jealous, while the narc either betrays or intends to commit infidelity – but claims that the partner is unfaithful or has irrational suspicions. He will lead the conversation in a way so that the other person feels confused and guilty. His own shame is transferred into the partner’s mind. He denies that he has done or said something until the partner loses track of what was really going on; he insists on his own version telling the partner that he is wrong; or he claims that he was just kidding and the partner is hypersensitive. Narc blames, raises doubts, undermines his partner’s self-esteem, making the partner increasingly want to be the beloved person again for the narc. He becomes more and more easy to be controlled and often gives up his own important matters in the name of love.

Covert narcissism is related to something that in psychology is called object constancy. It refers to the ability to maintain an emotional bond with a physically absent person and to the ability to maintain positive feelings for someone when you are angry with them or hurt. The constancy of an object helps to see a person in different colors, not only in black and white, helps to combine love, anger, aggression, sexuality and the need for autonomy. The inability to combine contradictory feelings makes one see extremes, the partner is either idealized, or devalued when a narcissist sees any flaws in him. It is also difficult for the narc to find himself in love and at the same time to integrate his sexuality and independence. He is unable to combine an ideal image of himself with a negative image hiding behind a facade. And the greater the pathology, the more the image of the partner, relationship and social environment becomes zero-one. Covert narc does not have the satisfaction of the bond with a love partner, because these relationships must be superficial by nature. Narc is more self-centered than he is in relationship with the real other person. The lack of constancy of the object causes the covert narc to lose all the positive feelings after every narcissistic injury that his partner is blamed of. And when he is distant from the Source of supply, it is difficult for him to remember how he felt when he was in its physical closeness. He only remembers this at the next meeting. Among other things, it is the lack of constancy of the object that helps him to have sex with others when he does not see his permanent partner for some time. The state of mind he is in when he is with his main Source when they are together, escapes from his memory, but he knows how he feels when he is with someone who is next to him when he is separated from his partner.

In the devaluation phase, the covert narcissist lies, betrays, degrades his partner, expecting him to still love him. It is very important for him to get as much as he gives and preferably more, because he feels used easily. He does not know his own boundaries and does not respect other people’s boundaries, he presses on them, crosses over, experiments how strong his power is. He is a pathological liar and introduces double standards, he feels entitled to do things which he often perceives as unacceptable in another person. He puts a lot of energy into rationalizing his behavior, but he does not regret how he behaved and does not try to improve. It is difficult for the partner to imagine the true nature of the covert narc, because from the beginning of the relationship the illusion of openness, closeness and trust was created. He feels confused, but his vigilance is dormant. Because the covert narc is an excellent actor. As long as it pays to play. If the partner starts to show dissatisfaction, the covert narc can manipulate his feelings by silent treatment or threatening to withdraw love and emotional intimacy (fake, but the other person does not know it). All this is to make the partner feel the lack of closeness and desire it more strongly.

Many partners of covert narcissists stay in the relationship, because the trauma-bond is difficult to break. Over time, the same person appears to them as if in two forms, good and bad, like Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. They are endlessly trying to solve this inner conflict and combine this extreme duality of nature in one person. The covert narc automatically recreated his own painful childhood story, this time experienced from the perspective of a partner who has become weak and unhealthily dependent on someone who hurts him. It’s a situation that creates strong tension and triggers the “fight or flight” reaction in the brain.  The partner, who lives in the illusion created by the narc, wants to fight, wants to believe that there is still hope that the relationship can be fixed. He has invested a lot in it and still sees potential. Remembering his beloved at the beginning of the relationship, he still carries in his heart the image created by the master of illusion. He does not believe that he could have been so wrong. The difficulties that have arisen can therefore be explained by the fact that every relationship experiences worse moments, the overcoming of which will tighten the closeness. Only that in the case of relations with a covert narc, even the phase of idealization was only the illusion.

Narcissistic love cycle – 3. Discard

The devaluation starts with subtle comments and gradually grows, intensifying until the narc’s partner starts thinking that the relationship is not going well and that he does not deserve such a treatment. Because the covert narc “reads in thoughts” what the partner wants, he guesses what he thinks and what his needs are – he perfectly catches this moment and takes control. He tells his partner that he thinks that the relationship is not going well and that no one will love his partner as he does, but he has to leave; or that he will still stay if the partner does this or that; or he doesn’t say anything, but suddenly he starts to behave like in the idealization phase, but not so intensely.
This is intended to change the attitude of the partner who, feeling that he may lose his relationship with the narc, will start to wish to protect it, will agree to the conditions, or will succumb to the returning memories of the idealization phase and stay in the relationship. Only that the idealization that is now taking place is on a lower level and the old, initial “fairy tale time” will never return. This cycle can be repeated many times and each time the return of idealization is getting weaker. A crisis is growing in the relationship, but it is possible that something will make narcissists want to maintain the relationship despite the devaluation of the partner and the cycle will start again.
This happens when the narc still sees the potential benefits of maintaining this Source of supply. He can fix the relationship crisis because he can apologize. But his lack of the ability to have real empathy means he does not feel sorry for hurting his partner’s feelings, nor does he intend to improve his behavior. He apologizes because he understands that this is necessary or appropriate if he still wants to have access to his Source of supply. He is also an expert in justifying his own bad behavior, for everything he has explanations to convince his partner that he had no other choice but what he did. Narcissism is associated with a tendency to boredom, and routine bores narcissist. He needs stimulating challenges, so the relationship with the covert narc looks like riding a roller coaster. When he is bored by his partner, he is burned out. He doesn’t understand what’s happening to him, but he notices a decrease of his energy. He blames his partner for draining him from his energy and it arouses a sense of resentment and bitterness in him, which makes him act destructively. Meanwhile, the partner does not take away his energy, but stops being perceived as a good source of energy in the eyes of the narcissist. Narc himself is not able to fill his inner emptiness, so he is already gathering strength for the attack of the next victim.

The covert narc loses interest in a partner who has been deprived of strength/became too submissive or can no longer be controlled. If the latter takes place, the narc must retreat before he gets exposed. Sometimes, however, it is the Source of supply that first leaves the covert narc, which he desperately tries to prevent. Because when the myth he created about his splendor falls, he feels as if he was falling apart inside. There is dysphoria and a feeling of powerlessness, contradicting his grandiose fantasies. Narcissist may then be in a depressive mood, not related to the loss of a permanent partner, but resulting from self-centeredness. This can happen especially at the beginning of a relationship, when he was still feeling the euphoria of achieving his goal. Euphoria easily goes into dysphoria when the target breaks free from his trap and leaves. Perverse sex is often an antidote to depressive moods, and hungry for positive energy will satisfy his sex drive with anything. If the covert narc feels that he might be rejected by the current Source, he is able to apologize and promise anything to prevent it. He gives promises that he has no intention to fulfill, prolonging the relationship – until he takes control of discard and unexpectedly break up with the partner whom he has just promised to improve his behavior. But the covert narc does not take responsibility for his actions. Discard by a covert narcissist usually comes at the least expected moment and what is characteristic, without giving a reasonable reason. People usually want to know what caused the decision, but the narcissist does not explain and if he says something, it sounds illogical. He will leave a dazed partner trying to guess the real reason in order to be able to understand and close the situation more easily. But not being a narcissist himself, it will be difficult for him to understand what is going on in the head of a covert narcissist who does not understand himself.

When the covert narc leaves the relationship, he wipes memories in his mind as if he had a magic eraser. He mastered the switching of perception of another person from idealization to devaluation. He sees people in black and white colors, which is why, despite the long relationship, he can easily cut himself off from someone he has slandered in his own eyes. The bond he creates with a “loved one” has weak strength, which is related to the lack of stability of the object. After breaking up, he quickly forgets how he felt when he was with his partner. And the inability to empathize prevents him from empathizing with his situation. There are no longer any good associations with the abandoned partner in the mind of the covert narcissist. Narc has no regrets about losing a person, he only lacks text messages that assured him, that someone’s heart beats behind his phone screen. He does not miss a person who did not count as a human being. The partner used to be a good source of energy, now worthless. A covert narc needs a new Source of supply to feel alive. Without it, he feels dead inside, without energy to live nor passion for activity. So he immediately finds someone who feeds his narcissistic hunger. He spends his life starving like someone addicted to a substance. And the Source was like a drug, which with time ceased to be enough. If he doesn’t find a new main source right away, he’ll feed on sex and once he has gathered his strength, he will soon form a relationship with someone again. And just as in the idealization phase he assured his Source that it is better than the ex-partners he labeled and called disturbed or alcoholics, so after the breakup he will thus talk about the former partner of the new Source of supply. But no one, neither this nor any other Source of supply, can fill the void in the soul of the covert narcissist. He is insatiable, always hungry, he is never fully satisfied. Demons nestling in the soul of the narc will constantly demand more. Hungry for a truly deep interpersonal relationship that the narc is unable to create and maintain.

The tactic used by the covert narcissist is so insidious and veiled that the ex-partner usually does not understand what actually happened. The intentions and behavior of the narc are unclear, the ex-partner struggles with internal conflict. He may also feel confused, not knowing why he was behaving differently. In contact with the narc, he may have caught some of his bad habits or still bears feelings unfamiliar to him from the time before the relationship, transferred via the projection mechanism. In addition, he supplied the narcissist with life-giving energy, so for him it was a strong energetic connection. When the narc disconnected from the power source, the partner is still emotionally connected. His thoughts fly around the lost person and his world. He remains in the energy field of the covert narc. He feels emotionally abused, physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. He stops trusting himself and his choices. He loses trust in others. He put everything in this relationship, took it seriously, and perhaps sacrificed a lot for his partner. For a covert narcissist, however, this is nothing personal, he would do the same with anyone who would let him get into the intimate space.

One of the manipulation techniques sometimes used by narcissists is the so-called hoovering, that is sudden – usually after a long time, reminding the ex-partner of himself, in the form of an SMS or some gesture that would be romantic and persuasive enough to give hope for a new better start. Only that the narc does not change. The only thing that can happen to a former partner who falls into the trap of hoovering is another disappointment according to the narcissistic cycle pattern. Not every narcissist wants to return after discarding a partner. The one who uses hoovering does it when he feels extremely empty inside and his ex-partner is the easiest source of energy available to him. With the current flourishing of online dating applications, however, it is easy to fill the emptiness and boredom, while providing oneself with strong sexual sensations. For example, according to research, the most users on Tinder represent the so-called dark triad of personality (machiavellianism, narcissism and psychopathy). Therefore, the best solution for a former narc’s partner is to completely break off contact, say goodbye to the hope of being together again and rebuild himself. Covert narc, who does not exclude returning to his ex-partner – perhaps someday, when another Source fails him or simply out of boredom – he may want to end the relationship in a way that leaves the door open. Usually, however, discard is brutal, without taking into account the feelings of the rejected partner. Contact with the difficult emotions of an abandoned partner reveals the true face of the covert narcissist. Narc does not have to charm him anymore, so he uses passive-aggressive techniques, for example, he responds with sarcasm, scoffs and hurts with words, he shows haughtiness and arrogance. He gets rid of his partner as if he was throwing garbage and the whole past is falling apart like a house of cards. A trampled and humiliated partner may experience cognitive dissonance – not understanding how it is possible that a good and loving person suddenly behaves extremely differently. He wants to see some human features in his beloved, but narc is a predator for whom the partner is easily exchangeable.

There is no way the covert narc imagines how someone feels being with him. Defensive mechanisms associated with the covert narcissism serve precisely to prevent awareness of the painful truth about himself. Therefore, what I have described may look different from the perspective of the covert narc – as an egocentric oversensitive person who wants to be loved, he sees the guilt of other people. He creates his own narrative, in which he is the good one and the other is ungrateful, abusive and harmful. He is still strengthening his false self. A covert narcissist would like to love, but he just can’t love. His version of love is a never-ending pursuit of his absent love for himself, for which other people’s hearts, minds, souls and bodies are used. The faces of the partners are changing, but the dynamics of the relationship remain the same. Idealizing, devaluation and discard. The phase that should be added to this cycle is quick and easy Exchange of a partner for a new object.

Slow down – listen to your intuition

There is a widespread belief that narcissism is resistant to therapy. Moreover, narcissistic people usually do not want psychotherapy. What’s a pity, because we have only one life and it would be worth a try. Covert narcissism has disadvantages, but also has advantages (for example, creativity, helpfulness), and integrating them and modifying certain behaviors could be a chance for a more valuable life. In the case of a covert narcissism, methods used to treat post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD or cPTSD) and attachment therapy (improvement of attachment style) might help. It’s just that the covert narc would first have to confront the painful truth about himself and want to change, which is not easy for anyone, and in the case of narcissism, defense mechanisms trained for years are a strong barrier. And although covert narcissists hurt others and ruin their mental health and often their lives, in fact their own life is the greatest tragedy. They live in a world of illusion focused on the ideal self-image, and therefore on something that does not exist and they treat other – real people – as toys that can be thrown away when they get bored of playing with them. They are not capable of healthier love for someone or for themselves, which deprives them of chances for a truly deep and lasting relationship, love connection, care and protection.

It is difficult to clearly determine who will become the target of a covert narcissist. Generally, people with covert narcissism looks for a “good quality”, meaning someone with features they don’t have. Some choose strong and confident people, but others prefer someone who will be easier to manipulate. Research shows that the targets of covert narcs are energetic people, curious and who like excitement. Also those that are dedicated, responsible, investing in relationships, tolerant, empathic, loyal, but also those for which the spiritual sphere of life plays an important role. With great probability, then, it will be a romantic soul thirsty for love, waiting for the fairy tale Prince – his or her soul mate. And if you are a loving person, ready to do a lot for love even at your own expense, you attract those who need love the most and are focused on abusive taking. Knowing the specifics of the disorder and traits of a covert narcissism will not be enough to deal with a covert narc when one appears on a life path. You need to arm yourself with healthy self-love and learn to set boundaries. Assertiveness, i.e. calm but firm saying “no” helps in this. It will also be useful to be able to make a decision not to enter into a toxic relationship, or not to fix it during the devaluation phase. The performance played by the covert narcissist could not take place if the target person was not drawn into symbiotic emotional unity, giving up her own individuality for emotional benefit. That is why it is necessary to learn to balance closeness and to create in emotional closeness the common “We” zone as well as the space for functioning as an autonomous adult to fulfill own activities. Thanks to this, if one falls into the predator’s trap, it will be more difficult for a covert narc to maintain control. And this means that even if you lose your head for a covert narcissist, he will not leave behind the ruin of another person.

The breakup, although it is an extremely difficult experience, for many people it is also an opportunity for internal growth. Although for former partners of the covert narcs it is a particularly difficult time. The realization of the narcissistic character of someone they loved reveals a painful reality. On the one hand, it helps to solve an inner conflict and understand. On the other hand, the revelation of being just an Avatar of the lost soul of a narc is extremely sad. It’s important to experience regret for the lost illusion, to accept what happened, to understand and forgive to release the burden from the soul and do not carry on the sense of being hurt – in such a way the ex-partners of a covert narc can create space for personal growth. Rebuild the trust that has been ruined, learn from the life lesson and move forward with life, wiser after this experience.

• Someone who experiences love-bombing at the beginning of the relationship may find it difficult to recognize whether it results from the partner’s narcissism or only from the enthusiasm and strong fascination of a newly-met person. However, this can be distinguished based on the response to the request to slow down. When you say this to your partner without narcissistic tendencies, he will probably apologize and show understanding. A covert narc will make the other person feel guilty and ashamed.
• In contact with a narcissistic person, it is important to listen to what intuition suggests. The mind and body that accumulate knowledge from life-long experiences, know in advance and recognize something that you are not yet aware of. So listen to what intuition says and what signals the body gives. If your partner claims that you have a strong sense of control and you know that this is not true – maybe you are becoming the object of projection of other person’s characteristics. If you are blamed of jealousy, and it has not even appeared in your mind – it is possible that he wants to sow doubt in your mind. The foundation of a healthy relationship is a sense of safety. If you feel insecure, it’s time to think about what causes anxiety in interactions.
• Also introduce your partner to friends you trust. What is important in love is what we feel and what we want, but our close friend can see something that is not seen when being emotionally engaged. Someone who stands aside and is neutral towards a potential covert narcissist – sees more. A friend may pay attention to the person’s toxic behavior or his bad influence on your well-being – do not underestimate this, but reconsider it.
• Note how the partner talks about his Exes. There are basically two options for a covert narc. Either the former partners are bad (they are often negatively labeled, because the covert narc is very judgmental), or they are his best friends. Those who are in the first category are people who do not serve him as a source of vital energy and are treated with contempt, and the second group are those who, maintaining friendship gave him permission to use them as secondary sources of narcissistic supply.