So, why share my story for the world to see?
I spent 17 years with my covert narcissist, 14 years married. The first few years were simply amazing. I felt like I truly met my life long dream of a person. Shortly after we married, I did notice little things that didn’t make sense to me. One of the big ones is that she never apologized for anything. Other things included backhanded compliments, little lies, etc. I did not learn that she was a narcissist until we were ten years in at marriage counseling. That is where I learned that I was a codependent and she was a narcissist. My individual counselor said that I had become so codependent that I was a detriment to myself.
Despite both of their advice to part ways, I instead chose to stick it out. I thought I could fix it. I thought that just as if I had an illness, I was obliged to do my best to help my spouse. I took my marriage vows very seriously. As warned, it came to an end in an explosive episode of narcissistic rage.
In hindsight, all of the signs were there all along. I can look back at her behaviors, including letters I sent to her that I have since received as part of the “discovery” process of divorce that from the get go, it came down to me simply being a supply. It was really no different than living with a drug addict.
In so much as building this site is about helping others, it is also my therapy and assisting me in my recovery from a covert narcissist. It is harder than I could ever imagine. It has been harder than anything else I have ever done in my life….mostly due to the difficulty in obtaining closure. It is extremely difficult to understand that narcissists in general, are wired differently than the people they are with. Everything they do is calculated and for the specific purpose of their ongoing supply. It’s as simple as that. They have zero empathy and lack any accountability.
This site allows me to remind myself to follow my own advice and the advice of others. At this point in my recovery, I am waiting and preparing for reconciliation and hoovering. It is inevitable that the attempt will come. Why? Again, it’s about supply. Sometimes narcissists discard and later realize that the supply they had was so superior to anything else they can find, that they want to go back to it. In the case of my covert narc, I am her blue crystal meth as compared to the street meth that is out there. It’s the best analogy I can provide.
Did I love my covert narc? Yes, absolutely. I was 100% in. Did she love me? If you asked her, she would say yes. However, how a covert narc defines love is far different. She loved the supply, not the person.
I put myself out here at great risk, because all narcissists hate to be exposed. However, if I can help just one person who is trying to separate or recover form a covert narcissist, it is worth it.