Transformation…A New Beginning

I speak, text, or have some sort of engagement with my support network daily. Without question, they have been foundational in helping be where I am today. Somehow, I have always managed to survive what life has thrown at me; but it was a lot easier with their love, encouragement, and support.

One of the beautiful things with my support network is that we have all known each other for close to forty years. They have known me since I was a young single Navy guy, to present day. They have seen me weather many a storm, but also have seen me celebrate great moments, often together. Because we have known each other so long, we sometimes entertain conversations that are measured as “Old Al”, “New Al”, “Al 2.0”, “Next Gen Al”, etc. It’s all in good fun. More importantly, it speaks to major changes that occurred in my life, all of which have resulted in better outcomes.

“Old Al” versus “New Al” refers to my life before and after 2018. In 2010, I had recently married and had begun what I thought was going to be the true story of “the rest of my life.” I had met my spouse in 2007, and took the time out to date up until April 2010, when we married. At that point, we had purchased our “forever home” with plans to turn it into our vacation spot. It would become a place where every day was a vacation day. It was also a time where I had the opportunity to reconnect with lifelong friends. Those friends are the very friends that comprise my support network today.

Life was good…no, great. Well, great until the reunion of 2018, when things initially took a turn for the worse. For whatever reason, after that reunion, I found myself getting the silent treatment. Not that it hadn’t happened before, but this was severe. It went on for two weeks straight. This is what resulted in marriage counseling.

Marriage counseling was where “New Al” surfaced. It was the time where I was alerted to the fact that I was married to a covert narcissist and that I had severe codependency issues. It was during that time that I recognized how I was contributing to an unhealthy relationship. Those behaviors included:

• Not having any boundaries, literally. My therapist told me that I was so codependent, I was a detriment to myself.
• Not practicing any self-care. In my world, self-care was all about my spouse. If her world was good, my world was good.
• Completely melting down at any sense of a rejection from my spouse. It could be something as simple as not returning an “I love you.” But also included not being able handle her “silent treatment” or other equivalent treatment.
• Taking accountability for anything and everything that was of issue in our relationship. This included apologizing for things that I knew full well were not my fault.

“New Al” emerged out of marriage counseling as somebody with much greater confidence and self-esteem. I fully recognized the dynamics of our marriage and was very effective in setting boundaries, ensuring self-care, and keeping my spouses narcissism in check. It was challenging at first, but armed with a much better understanding of narcissism and codependency, life began to transform. It was at this time that I felt I had achieved my greatest level of happiness.

Never did I consider that there would have to be anything beyond “New Al.” After all, from 2018 through 2024, life seemed great. Our house was paid off and we were staring at retirement in a home that we built just for that occasion. I was so secure with where we were in life, that I began building a model railroad in our walkout basement, something I have wanted to do my entire life and never quite was able to do so on the size and scale that I desired. However, life did take a sudden turn, and just as Microsoft did away with naming Windows by year, a new naming standard was in order; thus “Al 3.0”

“Al 3.0” was a direct result of my covert narcissists actions to regain control of the relationship; not that there was anything wrong with the life that she was living. She was free to do whatever she wanted and due to the job I held, she was able to pursue hobbies and interests that included our dogs , yard, gardening, etc. We had no debt, which allowed her to literally spend thousands on native plants to replace non-native species that we had originally planted. As her husband, I encouraged these activities and spent most of my time doing the heavy lifting. That was until July 23rd, 2024, when I went to visit friends in Cheyenne, Wyoming.

It is simply “amazing” to me how one could go from being tagged in a video of a “momma turkey and her seven babies” to being portrayed as a domestic abuser, but it is what it is. If anything, it demonstrates that you should never underestimate what a narcissist will do to lash out at their partner. In my case, this was somebody I was married to for 14 years, together 17 years. Fortunately for me, I was made aware that I may be subject to narcissistic rage by both my marriage counselor and therapist. As such, I was able to respond to things with a methodical and well thought approach. If I were “Old Al”, this would have crushed me.

Being a survivor, I did what I do best, reinvent myself and begin starting a new life. As much as I cared and loved my covert narcissist, there was nothing I could do about her actions. It was incumbent upon me to forge a new path forward, and I did. Having left the home with a small carry on bag and a laptop, I literally started over. I found a new home and furnished it to my liking. I focused on my already successful career, knowing that it will help me accelerate charting a new life. New clothes and a different “look” were also instrumental in helping me chart a new life. When presented with one challenge after another about getting some of my personal belongings, I simply purchased new ones.

“Al 3.0” also invested time and energy into new and exciting adventures. That included hiking and exploring. I visited many places during this part of my transition. I also met a lot of wonderful people along the way. The most important part for me was that I figured out what my future will be. I put together a new plan for retirement, that now included my support network. I recognized that as happy as I thought I was, I could be even happier!

That happiness includes purchasing a new home out west and relocating to be with my new family. Let’s not forget rodeos either!

I certainly hope this is the final “gold” copy of what time I have left in this world. The importance of this version of me is:

• I am comfortable in my own skin.
• I don’t rely on others for my happiness.
• I write my own story moving forward.
• I am only responsible for me.
• I truly respect myself and have love of self.
• My past is truly behind me.