Over the last several days, or more, I have had the song “Who Needs You” by Queen swimming around in my mind. I find myself constantly humming the tune because it does have a light catchy sound. At the same time, it brings me comfort about my current situation of trying to bring to closure my 17 year relationship (14 years married) with a covert narcissist. All in all, it brings me hope and comfort, even if it does drive me nuts that I cannot seem to get this song out of my head.
As much as I can appreciate these positive thoughts, there has also been the negative equivalent that has reared its ugly head, throughout my journey. Those negative recurring thoughts including playing countless “what if” scenarios; reliving past experiences (good and bad); and trying to simply reconcile what occurred that led to my present day situation. These repetitive negative thoughts are called ruminations. For me, I think of it as a hamster on a hamster wheel; running endlessly with the only outcome being tired. In the case of ruminations, it is physically and mentally exhausting.
What Are Ruminations?
In its simplest form rumination involves repetitive thinking or dwelling on negative feelings and distress and their causes and consequences. The repetitive, negative aspect of rumination can contribute to the development of depression or anxiety and can worsen existing conditions.
What Causes Ruminations?
The obvious answer is trauma. In the case of narcissistic abuse, ruminating is part of trauma bonding. You may consider it to be the “invisible” trauma bond because we often see it internally as “problem solving” or “reconciling.” In reality, it is a thought process that keeps us bound to our abusers by keeping us locked into the past versus thinking in the present. Other contributing factors to rumination can include:
- Low self-esteem.
- A tendency to overthink or overanalyze.
- External stressors.
- Lack of perceived control of your situation.
- Historical trauma experiences.
- PTSD, OCD, & GAD
How Do I Overcome Ruminating?
Distractions
Without question, the number one thing you can do to overcome ruminating is distraction. Simply put, engage your mind in other activities that are also stimulating. This can vary broadly, but some suggestions include:
- Reading
- Games
- Puzzles
- Music
- Movies
Writing
Writing can take many forms. For me, my blog and the work I do in Quora, both help in my overcoming ruminations and bring me to state of thinking in the present versus dwelling on the past. Other techniques can include journaling or writing down your thoughts and then setting those thoughts ablaze as a symbolic gesture of letting go.
Redefine Your Future
Up until July 2024, my future was set and established. As far as I was concerned, my spouse and I were going to live happily ever after in the home that we built and turned into our own “vacation spot.” That had been the goal for the last 17 years and we were just about there. That established future led to a lot of ruminations; until I set out a new future. More importantly, a new future was actionable. I came up with a new retirement plan and am now focused towards accomplishing that new goal. Doing so grounds me into the present instead of ruminating about the past.
Get Outdoors/Go For Walks
Without question, one of the greatest forms of therapy is to go outdoors. With spring approaching, I am very much looking forward to going on more hikes and visiting new places. A change of scenery helps you refocus and let go of the past. Walking increases the bilateral stimulation of the left and right side of your brain. This is the basis of EMDR as a form of therapy and also helps reconcile those differences between what your brain is telling you and how you are feeling.
Call In Reinforcements
I rely heavily on my support network and call and message them all the time. If anything, a good support network will let you vent and listen. My support network takes it a step further and helps me refocus and stay grounded. My support network is an active part of my “retirement 2.0”, which also helps immensely. I very much looking forward to seeing all of them at a much greater frequency than our annual get togethers. We are all working to make that reality happen.
Therapy
Not related to my narcissistic abuse recovery, I did seek out assistance for an unrelated matter and was introduced to Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR). EMDR was life changing for me. Although principally used for treatment of PTSD, it has also been proven effective in the treatment for ruminating, a key component of PTSD. My prior experience with EMDR has allowed me to better process and understand what I am experiencing as a survivor of narcissistic abuse.
Key Takeaway
The key takeaway to overcome ruminating is to ground yourself into the present and have a plan for the future. I cannot recall exactly when my ruminations were under control. However, I do recall arriving home one day and realizing that they were.
As with anything, I have relapses. However, I continue to move forward in my recovery and my ruminations are much less frequent than when my ordeal originally started. I attribute that to my effort (sometimes with great assistance) to keep moving forward. The worst of my journey is behind me and I look forward to what lies ahead.