As a reminder rumination involves repetitive thinking or dwelling on negative feelings and distress and their causes and consequences. The repetitive, negative aspect of rumination can contribute to the development of depression or anxiety and can worsen existing conditions.
As a person who thinks and analyzes my situations, overcoming ruminations was a difficult challenge. We often fool ourselves into believing that we are problem solving. However, because ruminations are based in the past, true problem solving will never occur. Instead, we find ourselves in that cyclic pattern of repetitive thinking that doesn’t allow us to let go of the past and move forward.
When I look back at my patterns of ruminating, they generally fell into specific buckets:
Seeking Excuses for Her Behavior
One of the challenges of narcissistic abuse is that as survivors, we rarely get closure because it is hard to understand that our narcissistic partners are literally wired differently. As a result, we struggle with trying to make sense or understand what just occurred. In my case, I was in a 17 year relationship with my covert narcissist. All outward signs were that things were good. I knew that she needed supply and was providing it. We were on the verge of retirement. What could possibly have caused my covert narcissist to go “off the rails” and go so far as to file a false order of protection against me?
Medication Changes
For me, I spent an inordinate amount of time excusing what occurred as a result of medication changes. I knew that my covert narcissist was on the maximum legal dose of Zoloft for many years and her psychiatrist had recently passed away. Her new psychiatrist was none too pleased with the dose and duration and began transitioning her to a new medication as the Zoloft was clearly not helping with her depression. That was it! Needless to say, I spent too many hours researching the effects of Antidepressant Discontinuation Syndrome.
Family History
I would find myself reflecting back on my covert narcissists family. She is the youngest of four children. Her father was an engineer and a truly brilliant man. Two of her three brothers were also engineers. All of them clearly had various mental health issues that involved some level of paranoia, and OCD. There may be other comorbidities, but those two were very clear to me. Down another rabbit hole I went because I would latch onto whatever facts would support that my covert narcissist was paranoid. These included:
- Before I left for my trip, she made a comment about our security cameras were meant to spy on her.
- My marital home looks like a meth lab. Paper, sheets, and blankets are covering the windows and doors.
- She scraped off all of her dog related stickers from her vehicle windows in an attempt to make it more non-descript.
Once again, I spent hours thinking about (over and over again) about her family history, even tying back the paranoid behavior back to the medication changes.
Delusions
Admittedly, I was shocked when I had a knock at the door and the Sheriff presented me with an order of protection. I recognize that many people who read this don’t know me. However, my closest friends know that I am not a violent person; unless crying constitutes an act of violence. Because of this, I knew that there could only be one outcome to fighting an order of protection. Once in the courtroom, there is a burden of proof. That proof simply didn’t exist, nor has ever existed. To this day, I know without any hesitation that my covert narcissist could never produce anything that would suggest or imply that I ever levied a threat or acted in a violent manner. So, why would she go down this path of an order of protection? More importantly, even after losing the order of protection battle, why does she (and her attorney) persist on portraying me as this dangerous person? There is zero value or benefit in doing so at this stage in the game.
The answer…delusions! Whatever mental breakdown that must have occurred is also causing delusions. She really believes her own story of waking her up in the middle of the night yelling, screaming, assaulting her when she tried to call for help, etc. Sigh…
The Danger Within…
When we ruminate and search for excuses, we are really looking for a means to eliminate accountability for the person who subjected us to narcissistic abuse. When we remove accountability, we tend to find our way to forgiveness and reconciliation. We leave that door wide open.
The truth of the matter is that my covert narcissist knew exactly what she was doing. Her actions were methodical and thought out. They may have not been thoroughly thought out, but they were none the less acts of her own free will. Narcissists are very much aware of their actions and how they impact others.
The “What If” Game…
The other bucket I tended to ruminate within was the “what if” game. This amounted to replaying every little detail of what led up to the collapse of our relationship and saying to myself, “If I had only done <insert item>, things would be different.”
The Cheyenne Trip
It was very clear to me and the friends I was visiting that my covert narcissist wasn’t too pleased about my going away to Cheyenne. Although our reunions were originally held in our home, to appease my covert narcissist, I would instead drive to Maryland. However, when friends relocated to Cheyenne, Wyoming, she probably believe the reunions were over. That led to my playing through many questions that could have led to a different outcome:
- What if I had not gone away for a full week?
- What if I had taken a strategy of “asking” versus telling her I was going to Cheyenne?
- What if I had not gone whatsoever?
Was I Too Firm With My Boundaries?
When my marriage counselor and individual therapist identified to me that my spouse was a narcissist and that I was a codependent, I learned how to set boundaries and practice better self-care. This was an absolute if I expected to keep my marriage alive but also keep my well being in mind. I became an expert at setting boundaries, which included ignoring behaviors that weren’t acceptable. Of course, that led to my questioning whether I went too far.
- What if I didn’t ignore the silent treatment that she initiated while visiting friends?
- What if I reached out when I realized she disabled the security cameras?
- What if I responded immediately when I received her letter?
- What if stopped by her brothers house (where her vehicle was located) when I arrived home?
I Initiated The Divorce (aka Discard)
I recall my initial consultation with my attorney as though it were yesterday. I was well prepared and brought a wealth of information that contradicted the letter I received, and would prove my innocence with respect to the order of protection. My attorney read through my letter I received and stated that in her opinion, I was dealing with a personality disorder. She explained how the letter I received was disjointed and repetitive. It also wasn’t well thought out. She further explained that she did not believe it was an issue of infidelity (and that even if it was, it wasn’t worth pursuing.) Her recommendation was to scare my covert narcissist straight which would lead to her withdrawing the order of protection and we can go on our way. As much as that was one option, something inside told me that if she was willing to do this, what would be next? Even worse, would she evaluate and determine a better path to my demise next time? As a result, I went all in on the divorce. Of course, the obvious question is..
- What if I didn’t file for divorce?
Facebook, My Website, & Quora
The last of my ruminations was replaying the fact that I decided to share my story on several social media platforms. This includes my website, Facebook, and Quora. There is no doubt that my covert narcissist is a stalker. I watched her do this with her fake social media accounts with her son, who wants nothing to do with her. At this point in time, she clearly knows that my truth is out there and there is nothing she can do about it. The loss of control coupled with facts that fly in the face of her fake truths, surely must be causing narcissistic injury and rage.
- What if I never shared my truth in the public domain?
Conclusion
The fact of the matter is that ruminations are rooted in the past. It’s water under the bridge. There is nothing we can do about what has occurred. All we can do is move forward in the present. Ruminating in the past is not about problem solving; planning ahead, is. Overcoming ruminations was a significant milestone in my recovery; one in which I cannot provide a date when they stopped being my main focus. What I can say is that one day, it occurred to me that I was more focused on the future than the past. I believe a good portion of that is when I began thinking and planning for my next adventure, without my covert narcissist.