Believe it or not, and certainly not by her own intent, but my covert narcissist was a tremendous help in my recovery due to her own actions. It helped me understand what she really was. More precisely, it demonstrated to me the evil that can lie within a covert narcissist.
How did she do that?
Unless you have been the codependent in a narcissistic relationship, it is very difficult to understand the intensity of trauma bonding. Without question, it was the hardest challenge I have encountered in my lifetime. For starters, how does one get their arms around having been in a relationship that in essence, was fake? Even today, it seems like something out of a science fiction film. However, once the “cat was out of the bag” the true colors of my covert narcissistic shone brightly:
- The Order of Protection – This was the first eye opener. It was one thing to receive a letter the morning of my flight home accusing me of verbally and physically assaulting my spouse, something I definitely did not do. It was a whole different thing when I had a knock on the door from the sheriff. What kind of human being would do that to another? A covert narcissist would. It was my first exposure to the realization that my spouse knew no bounds to punish me. The good news, if some could be found, was that it helped enforce zero contact. So, despite the desired effect of making me want to crawl back home, it had the opposite effect.
- The Loss of My Dog, Slater – What kind of person puts down their spouses dog? A covert narcissist. Yes, you hear right. Slater was a champion English Setter Rescue. Admittedly, he was getting older, but it was awfully coincidental that after being escorted out of my home, she had him put down. Guess how I found out? I found out months later when I received paperwork related to the divorce and she requested custody of the three dogs. For clarity, we had four. That is about as evil as evil could be. Did she notify me? No. Did she even share with anyone else that she put him down? No. Similar to the order of protection, what kind of human being would do that to another? A covert narcissist would.
- Discovery Documents – As part of any divorce, is the collection and transfer of discovery documents between parties. As I already mentioned, that is how I discovered my covert narcissist put down my dog. Additionally, I did find documents that opened my eyes and confirmed that my covert narcissist was plotting and planning for years; in fact, the duration of our relationship and marriage. Of particular interest was documents she provided that date back to 2012. One was a letter I wrote professing my love and a lack of understanding of what was going on with our relationship, as it suddenly seemed to be going off the rails. In hindsight, I could see that I was describing everything a covert narcissist does to their spouse: I just didn’t realize what it was at the time. Additionally, I discovered how severe the gaslighting was when I finally saw some documents that confirmed my understanding of one particular evening, but was beginning to doubt myself over the years. All in all, in reviewing the documents, I became aware that my covert narcissist had been weaponizing and preparing for years.
- The Holiday Inn Express – Once it was apparent that I was not going home anytime soon, I moved into the newly renovated Holiday Inn Express. I was very fortunate that my employer had nothing short of an amazing discount. It allowed me to temporarily set up shop, including a great, great, breakfast. It wasn’t long before I recognized that by my spouses own choice, I relinquished all of my household responsibilities to her; and there were plenty of them. Being free of responsibilities allowed me to focus on self-care. I also had the opportunity to meet people, including the staff, who I got to know on a first name basis. The manager of the hotel even offered to assist me in finding a new living situation when the time arose.
- The Employee Cafeteria – Living at the Holiday Inn Express had zero impact on my lunch and dinner plans. Again, I was fortunate that my employer has an amazing cafeteria, with a great selection of food; and plenty of healthy options. The lack of a kitchen was made up for having a good source of nutritional food where I worked, including weekends.
- A New Home – It eventually became clear that I would be better served by renting a new place, while the divorce and order of protection worked its way through. With only a suitcase of clothing, I had to start a new life from scratch. This meant purchasing what I needed to live in a new residence. I literally rented a townhouse on a Wednesday, and moved in with new furniture on the following Saturday. It wasn’t long before a coworker pointed out that I was no longer calling it “the townhouse”, but “home.” The new home has been great. A much closer proximity to my work, and everything new. That also meant there were no reminders of the life I was beginning to leave behind.
- A New Wardrobe – Similar to a new home, I needed clothing. I had just enough clothes to get me through the work week. To further punish me, my covert narcissist wouldn’t even allow me to get things from the marital home. My attorney made several attempts and then offered to get a court order. By that time, it wasn’t necessary. I had an entirely new wardrobe of my choosing. Again, no reminders of the life I was beginning to leave behind.
In summary, my covert narcissists actions were intended to punish me, and drive me back into her arms. In reality, it had the opposite effect. I had learned how much evil lurked below the victim role she portrayed of herself. I also became even more independent, embracing a new, better future. At this point in my recovery, she isn’t even a thought in my mind. I recognize that she lost he best person she ever had, and will never get anything like it again in what remains of her life. Me? My future continues to look brighter and brighter. I already have retirement 2.0 planning well underway. Retirement 2.0 will be even better than my original retirement plans that were planned with my covert narcissist.