I first met my spouse in September, 2007. We dated and purchased our home together in December 2009. We were married in April 2010. So, it isn’t as though we rushed into marriage.
Things took a turn in February 2012. I wasn’t sure what was happening. I just knew that no matter what I did, it was wrong. At that time, my step-daughter had moved in and I initially attributed the issues we were having to that fact. That was also my first exposure to the lies. In an effort to keep things on track, we briefly attended marriage counseling with a gentleman named Martin. I liked Martin. He gave us homework to do, and as you would expect, my spouse never did her homework. I did. Marriage counseling with Martin did not last long. He eventually said that there was nothing he could do for us. He said that our versions of events was so far apart from each other, it was as though we both experienced entirely different events. That was the end of marriage counseling. As mysteriously as the marital issues started, they stopped.
In hindsight, I now recognize that the period from September 2007 to February 2012 was the love bombing phase of our relationship. It was quite long. By February 2012, we were in devaluation phase as my spouse had locked me in and had secured her long term supply.
In early 2010, I had reconnected with a Navy Submariner friend and his wife. We all agreed to get together Memorial Day 2010. Included was my best friend. We all worked worked together and knew each other in the late 1980’s as nuclear reactor operators. After Memorial Day 2010, we agreed to annual get togethers at my house. These reunions continued through Memorial Day 2018. Once again, things seemed to take a turn in my marriage during that Memorial Day weekend. It was also the time when I observed more lies. Lies that made no sense to me.
One evening, that Memorial Day weekend, I awoke. My spouse was in bed typing an e-mail to a friend of hers. When I awoke, I could see what she was typing. She was telling her friend that she had been slaving over my guests for the entirety of Memorial Day weekend, including preparing meals, and nobody appreciated it. That seemed very odd because there was no truth to it. When I had guests over, I did all of the cooking and cleaning. It just seemed odd.
During the same weekend, I felt like my spouse was pinging on me constantly. Backhanded comments. She would say things like “If we get divorced” to our guests. It was all very odd and came to a head the very last evening, when I finally said something in front of my two remaining guests. Admittedly, it was probably wrong to do it how I did. Still, we all have our limits.
The aftermath of that was catastrophic. I got the silent treatment for two weeks. I had already apologized for saying something in front of guests. Still, the silent treatment continued to the point of me saying we need to go to marriage counseling as we are not going to be able to survive what was going on. I asked my spouse to find a marriage counselor as I felt that would be the best approach. She did.
Marriage counseling was interesting. We met with our marriage counselor weekly, sometimes twice a week. Initially, counseling consisted of my spouse bringing a list of how awful I was. I would cry. We would go home. After a few sessions, our marriage counselor recommended a person she knew that provided individual counseling. Great! So, I began seeing two counselors per week.
It only took 30 minutes with my individual counselor to learn that I was a codependent and my wife was a narcissist. My individual counselor indicated that I had become so codependent that I was a detriment to myself. His suggestion was divorce. Of course, I disagreed as I loved my spouse. I also took my marriage vows seriously. So instead, I spent months learning about narcissism and how to effectively deal with my spouses narcissism.
At the same time, marriage counseling continued. At times together; other times we would split the time and speak with our marriage counselor individually. It was at one of these sessions that my marriage counselor asked me if I understood what my spouse was. I said that I believe I am a codependent and my spouse was a narcissist. She smiled, nodded her head in agreement, and said, “we prefer not to use that term here.” Similar to my individual counselor, our marriage counselor recommended divorce. And again, I refused. So we all worked with what we had to try and ensure the sanctity of the marriage.
It took over ten years before I realized I was married to a narcissist. However, I was determined to do everything I could to feed my narcissist the necessary supply, while at the same time, ensuring that I was setting boundaries and becoming less codependent.
There was one caveat to all of that. If I ever confronted my spouse about her narcissism; or she realized that I was now driving the bus; things would blow up in spectacular fashion. It did, in July 2024.