I recall, some years ago, when my step-son was attending college and did not invite his mother (my covert narcissist ex) to his college graduation. Admittedly, this bothered me a great deal. As such, I drove down to where he was living in the hopes of mediating a solution. When I confronted him, his exact words were, “My mother is a self-centered, controlling, manipulative, asshole.” At the time, and now recognizing that I was in the love bombing phase of my relationship, I attributed it to him being an immature young man. In hindsight, he was right. He may not have used the term “narcissist”; but let there be no doubt that all narcissists are in fact self-centered, controlling, manipulative assholes.
Make sense? Of course it does.
When I returned home, I expressed his exact words to my spouse. For many years, we would joke about her being a SCMA (pronounced Ska-Ma).
But Wait, There is More…
During that same period, my covert narcissist took it upon herself to go after her ex-husband for college money. Now, to be clear, in the state of NY, the best you will hope for is 50% of state college tuition. At the time, it amounted to about $4,000 per year. That is nothing to sneeze about, but then again, the cost of going after him would certainly exceed the cost of just eating the tuition money.
But no, she wanted her money. When asked why she is doing this, her reply was simple, “too fuck with him.” $15,000 or so later, including many a one hour trip to Schoharie County, I watched as she continued to get the judge angrier and angrier. She was clearly losing this case. In a moment of sanity, she looked over to me and I motioned with my hand across my throat. If I recall correctly, she finally agreed to ridiculously low monthly stipend for college that was well below her $15,000 investment in attorney fees. When we got back to my truck, she turned to me and said, “maybe that wasn’t such a good idea.” As an empathetic person, I told her she lost because she wasn’t in it for the right reasons. I also recalled her ex-husband thanking me and telling me that I would be “The Next.”
Of course, that also became a joke between my spouse and I, right down to the Nike shirt that I proudly wore that said “The Next” on it.
How About One More?
When I first met my spouse, we would meet up at the publishing company in which I worked. It was a convenient meeting spot where we could essentially meet half way and then go out together. After a fun evening out, we sat in the parking lot and talked about our lives. She told me that she had wanted a divorce from her husband the day after her son was born. She asked her parents for help and they refused, stating she made her bed, and will lie in it.
So, what did she do?
She literally counted down the days until her son turned sixteen and then filed for divorce. Why that long? Because at sixteen, he could decide on his own who he would live with. I might as well point out that she also had a younger daughter, but that didn’t seem to be a consideration in the matter.
For me, I never knew somebody so hard core that they would wait sixteen years to file for divorce. I even commented to her to please let me know as soon as possible if she felt the same about me as I wouldn’t want to be with somebody for that length of time; knowing that they had no feelings for me. Even worse, would still be intimate with me, as she apparently was with her ex-husband.
Ironically enough, it was about the same amount of time in which she decided to file a false order of protection against me.
She Has a Daughter?
Yes. Interestingly enough, at the time, she told me she had nothing to do with her daughter. She stated that her daughter, just like her ex-husband is a narcissist. Even more interesting is that throughout my marriage, my covert narcissist “switched” between children. It always seemed like one of them was the enemy. In hindsight, this is typical narcissistic parenting where the narcissist parent plays the children against each other. One is the golden child, the other the scapegoat.
The Red Flags Were Always There!
In hindsight, I can reflect back on the 17 years I spent with a covert narcissist and see that the red flags were always there. They were there from the earliest of days. I was blinded by the love bombing to see the red flags as they were very pronounced. I dismissed them for any number of reasons because what I was hearing didn’t align with the way my covert narcissist was making me feel.
These are just a few of the more obvious examples. The more I learn about how cunning and emotionless narcissists really are, the more I am awakened to any number of things over the last 17 years that were the telltale signs that she was a narcissist, but I as a codependent, I was an enabler.
Fortunately, codependents can get help with overcoming codependency. Narcissists cannot.