How My Covert Narcissist Apologized…All Two Times
Having spent 17 years (14 years married) to a covert narcissist, I can tell you that I spent more time apologizing for the sake of trying to put things to rest than I care to remember. At the very least, I did so until I learned I was codependent and that I shouldn’t apologize for things that I am not accountable for. Doing so only further ingratiates the narcissist to exercise more power and control over you.
But what about the narcissist? Can and do they apologize? Sort of.
If you expect that an a narcissist will apologize with any level of sincerity or remorse, it will never happen. In fact, here is a great example of how a narcissist apologizes:
You will note that she is sorry for being mad at me and is no longer mad at me. Afterward, she went right into it being all about her and what she was going to do. Reading off a shopping list would have probably garnered better empathy and sincerity.
Here is another:
I honestly don’t know if you could even call this one an apology as my covert narcissist never apologizes. But again, you will note that the emphasis is on herself and what she wants and what she will do.
Both of these were from the love-bombing phase of our relationship, which shifted to her devaluation of our marriage starting in February 2012. All the way through July 2024, there was never a single apology on her end. Not even an apology for her false order of protection, or for not giving me the opportunity to say goodbye to my English Setter that she put down without explanation.
As a stepfather to her daughter, I was frequently dragged in between mother-daughter disputes. Invariably, her daughter would want an apology and I would always tell her that it’s never going to happen. At best, I will share with her the two pseudo-apologies that I had on hand. Interestingly enough, my covert narcissist did see fit to dig up that very comment in one of her moments of rage. My answer was simple…..it’s the truth.
Why Narcissists Can’t Apologize
Narcissists often struggle to apologize due to a combination of factors including a lack of empathy, a strong need to maintain a sense of superiority, and a tendency to avoid acknowledging their own flaws. They may also find it difficult to empathize with others and may not fully grasp the impact of their actions on those around them.
Here’s a more detailed look at why narcissists will not apologize:
- Lack of Empathy: Narcissists often struggle to understand or feel the emotions of others, making it difficult for them to recognize the hurt they have caused.
- Sense of Entitlement and Superiority: They may believe they are above reproach and that their actions are justified, leading them to avoid taking responsibility.
- Fear of Vulnerability: Apologizing can be seen as a sign of weakness or vulnerability, which narcissists are highly attuned to avoiding.
- Need for Control: They may use blame and manipulation to maintain control over a situation, rather than taking responsibility for their actions.
- Deflection of Responsibility: Instead of apologizing, they may try to deflect blame or make the other person seem like the problem.
- Lack of Self-Awareness: Narcissists may not fully understand how their actions affect others, further hindering their ability to apologize.
Instead of recognizing this for the red flag that it is, I attributed this to stubbornness. Had I had better awareness of narcissism (and my codependency), this in addition to her gaslighting would have told me to steer clear of this person. More often than not, the red flags of narcissism are very visible, we just choose to make excuses for the behaviors as we either think they are minor or we can fix them.