Divorcing or separating from a narcissist is truly an experience like no other. Ironically enough, it doesn’t really matter who initiated the discard; but you can expect their sole mission will be to make your life miserable every step of the way. You will see them at their worst in terms of petty, immature, and selfish behavior. They will go on their smear campaigns, projecting you as the narcissist. They will claim you are the monster that nobody knew about behind closed doors. Believe me, I have heard plenty. But, as I have previously posted, narcissists ultimately have to deal with the inconvenient truth.
In any event, here are my top tips for divorcing a narcissist:
Find an Experienced Attorney
An attorney experienced in narcissists is a game changer in a divorce. They will truly know how to deal with the behavior patterns that are unique to narcissists, especially their unwillingness to compromise and their willingness to cause destruction to themselves just to hurt you. I have such a an attorney and she has been worth every penny of what I pay her.
Your Narcissists Attorney
Keep in mind that your narcissists attorney only knows what your narcissist has told them; which is probably a pack of lies. It will take time for your narcissists attorney to realize that something isn’t quite right. How? They will start to recognize that your narcissist has no desire to actually get anything resolved and generally doesn’t listen to their counsel.
Also, don’t be surprised if your narcissists goes through several attorneys. My covert narcissist consulted with one and did not retain her. My guess is that she didn’t like the answers she received. So, she changed her story up and hired attorney number two. Attorney number two got tossed because attorney number two advised her to withdraw the order of protection. She is currently with attorney number three.
Remember, your narcissists attorney is there to provide counsel. That doesn’t necessarily mean that your narcissist will listen to a single word of that counsel. Why? Because they have conflicting goals. In short, your narcissists attorney wants to actually get things resolved through some sort of settlement agreement. Your narcissist just wants to make your life miserable.
Keep The Control
Throughout the divorce, the narcissist wants to maintain as much control as possible over you. Don’t give into it. Their desire to keep control will override most everything else in a divorce. I recall our very first court appearance after she locked me out of our mobile phone account because I simply wanted to move my number to my own account. Her attorney had to argue and argue with her about allowing me to take over my number.
Every attempt to go back to my home and obtain some of my personal property has been problematic. Despite the fact that she doesn’t work, no dates that I suggested ever worked. Even better, she has disputed anything that I planned on picking up short of clothing. Even a 13 year old Xbox 360 is something she is contesting in the divorce. Last, despite the fact that I have every right to be in my own home, it seems that she simply wants to pile my things up in the garage.
My strategy for these things is simple, ignore it. I purchased new clothes. Every time she has tried to dictate terms as to what I can pick up or when I can go to my home, I just said “never mind.” It’s not worth giving back the control and I know that is all it is.
Don’t Count On A Settlement
Because the narcissists only desire is to cause you harm, don’t count on any settlement. For one, their sense of entitlement leaves them to believe they are entitled to everything. Second, they live for the fight.
My covert narcissist has changed her mind about the marital home countless times. My answer has been simple, “I don’t want the home.” That might be a hard pill to swallow for some, but I rather take my equitable part of the estate and move on. The same goes for all the belongings in the house, some of which I do treasure. However, fighting for things just prolongs the divorce. So, as with the house, I am more than willing to take my personal belongings and an equitable part of the furnishings in cash.
I also recognize that the only path to a settlement will be a trial. If my covert narcissist is willing to fight over a 13 year old Xbox, she will fight over everything and anything. As such, it is easier and cheaper to let it go to trial as I am confident that the supreme court justice will determine a fair and equitable settlement. Part of that confidence is that I have a good attorney.
It Doesn’t Pay To Be Nice
There is no benefit in trying to be nice. It will get you nowhere. That doesn’t mean you want to be a jerk either. The bottom line is that the narcissist only views your being nice as them still having control over you. That’s it, plain and simple.
From the very first court hearing where my covert narcissist agreed to withdraw her false order of protection, she has reneged, lied, and acted like a spoiled child every step of the way. At the same time, I have always taken the high road.
The only thing a narcissist understands is being put in their place. That can be via court orders from the judge, or your attorney playing hard ball. It took my attorney advising that I will be moving back in after the OOP trial to get my covert narcissist to withdraw the OOP with prejudice in exchange for not moving back in. In hindsight, I probably should have gone to trial, given the ongoing hassles of getting any of my belongings.
Ignore The Smear Campaigns
Unfortunately, narcissists wouldn’t be narcissists without their smear campaigns. The best advice is to simply ignore them. They will do everything they can to harm your reputation and portray themselves as a victim. Mine is no exception. She not only accuses me of being a narcissist, but views all of my online activities as one big smear campaign against her. The inconvenient truth is that everything I write about is 100% true. I share it not to smear her, but as a warning to others. I also write for my own recovery and to help others in their recovery. Believe me, if I went full nuclear, my writing would reflect a completely different tone.
Be Patient
Divorcing my covert narcissist has been a long drawn out process. Considering the simplicity of our marital estate and lack of any debt, it should be straight forward. However, nothing is straightforward with a narcissist. The best I can tell anyone is to just be patient and let your attorney carry the weight of things on their shoulders. They will get you through the process. It will take significantly longer than expected, but it will get done.
Along with that, don’t believe for a minute that narcissists are any good in court. They aren’t. In court, they have to deal with facts. They may put on a good show. However, their show will have little to no effect on the final outcome.