Imagine my surprise when I arrived home (exhausted) from a full day of training yesterday and just broke out in tears. I was a complete wreck. Even worse, I didn’t know what had brought on this sudden, and very emotional outburst. I hadn’t put much thought to my covert narcissist. Nothing new was going on within the legal front of trying to extract myself out of this relationship. No new surprises. Hmm.
I did recognize that this previously occurred on January 6th, 2025. In that case, I had just prevailed on my five month battle to defeat an order of protection that was filed against me, purely out of malicious intent. At that time, I should have been happy. However, standing before me was very clear narcissistic injury. The person that I had loved so dearly for 17 years now looked like they were 20 years older than me. Yes, filing for divorce was what caused the narcissistic injury. However, it was the necessary evil as a response to the order of protection. So, I was able to put it all together. As much as she brought this mess on through her own efforts, and her efforts alone, I still don’t like having to witness somebody destroying themselves.
Fast forward back to yesterday afternoon. Uncertain as to why this was occurring, I called one of my three closest friends (Jim) for my lifeline. He explained that in many ways, my emotions were similar to that of losing a loved one. He is an amazing friend. He had me back up and running in minutes. However, the one challenge with my support network is that none of them have experience in being in a relationship with a narcissist, at least not on a romantic and relationship level. So, what to do…
In addition to my blogging site, I am very active on Quora. I reached out to a friend on Quora who is experiencing a similar “trajectory”, having discarded her covert narcissist. She provided the necessary sanity check and confirmed that she has also had moments of sadness. More importantly, she suggested that it may be related to grief. Interesting…Why would I grieve somebody that has wronged me in a very big way? After speaking with the other two friends in my support network (Pattie and John), it all came together in a way that makes sense to me.
In many ways, discarding my narcissist is the equivalent of losing a loved one through death. As much as I recognize who my covert narcissist really is, the relationship I had was very real to me. I did love this person and gave them 17 years of my life. The person I thought they were “died” when the real person was uncovered and went into narcissistic rage. So, yes, I lost the person that I loved, real or not. As such, I have to consider that in my own self-care.
I wrote about this topic today, because if I had not made that connection, others may be in the same situation. We also don’t necessarily want to expose our grief because like many, I am certain my covert narcissist is reading, and enjoying the fact that she caused such grief. However, after hearing for years, that I am a narcissist, this also confirms that I am not. Narcissists don’t feel grief, nor do they feel empathetic towards their partners.
In her book “Understanding & Surviving Covert Narcissism”, Christine Kennedy reminds us that the path to recovery is about progress, not perfection. We will all have setbacks in our path to recovery. The important point is to continue to make progress. I don’t necessarily think of this experience as a setback, per se. However, it is definitely progress in my understanding of why I sometimes feel as I do.
I don’t grieve for the person that she is. I grieve for the person I thought she was.