Thus were the words spoken to me by my attorney after our first family court hearing. The purpose of that hearing was to address the order of protection that was filed against me. At that same hearing, my covert narcissist spouse was also told that I would be serving her with a divorce. To be frank, I don’t it would be inappropriate to say “I wanted a divorce” because I honestly did not. However, when the spouse you loved for 17 years (married 14) files a false order of protection, there is no real way to be with somebody who has zero moral compass and no disregard for a fellow human being. That’s just a nice way of saying that somebody is pure evil.
In any event, we all agreed in the family court that the order of protection would be withdrawn and I would allow my covert narcissist to occupy the family residence through the divorce. It seemed simple enough, but it never is. I found a place to move into, locked in a lease, and then she rescinded her end of the deal. That led to a five month court battle, where I eventually prevailed.
The “It’s Just Numbers” came from the fact that the divorce would largely be a numbers crunch to determine a fair and equitable distribution of the marital estate. Of course, fair and equitable to a covert narcissist is everything is theirs, nothing is yours. It doesn’t even matter if she didn’t work through most of the marriage so that she could pursue personal interests of dogs and gardening.
On February 25th, I had the opportunity to sit at the offices of the Supreme Court as the attorneys had their “off the record” conversation with the judge. I cannot express how much I would love to be a fly on the wall in that room. The importance of this hearing was that discovery was completed on both sides and there could be a open and frank dialogue to try to get to some solution regarding the marital assets. The good news, and as I have learned in the courts, narcissists aren’t to be feared. The judge and attorneys have to stick to facts. Also, the narcissists counsel has an obligation to explain to their client the law, and what can be reasonably expected in any settlement. As you can imagine, this typically doesn’t sit well with the narcissist.
I was pretty pleased with the outcome of the hearing. Why? Because it helps drive reality home and continues to strip away the perceived control that my covert narcissist believes she has. Some specific outcomes that were undeniably true:
- Medical benefits – not happening.
- Getting the house without paying me out of my share – not happening.
- Filing taxes as married but separate to screw over your spouse – not happening.
- Piling his things up in the garage of the marital home – not happening.
- Denying me access to the marital home – not happening.
A couple of interesting additional points that speak to covert narcissistic behavior include:
- For reasons unknown to me, she firmly believes that I have an obsession with her and that I am only trying to put forth an effort to be in her presence in the marital home. Yes, you heard right. Those were the words that were expressed to the judge.
- She still sticks to the spousal abuse allegation, even though she was forced to withdraw the order of protection with prejudice a month earlier.
Let there be no doubt that my covert narcissist is delusional and like other narcissists, stick to their story in defiance of the facts.
So What’s Next?
Stay tuned. The next hearing is March 25th. Progress can be slow when dealing with a covert narcissist. However, progress is being made.