It was a day, just like any other day. I was a senior in high school and just arrived home from school. As it was forbidden to enter and exit our house via the front door, I made my way around to the back of the house and came in through the sliding glass door. As I turned the corner to head to my safe refuge (my bedroom), my father stopped me in the hallway, and said:
"You know, when your mother was pregnant with you, I thought she should have had an abortion. I still think she should have had that abortion."
That’s just plain wrong to say to any child. What makes it even worse is that it came out of nowhere. I was crushed. I was in tears. My mother was sewing in my brothers bedroom and asked what was going on. I told her what my father had said. Her reply was:
“It’s only words, grow the fuck up.”
As you can imagine, growing up in such an environment doesn’t lend itself to a person having a very positive self-image, let alone self-esteem. It does, however, create a codependent adult. Such an adult can and will struggle in their relationships with others.
What Is Codependency?
Codependency is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. You can often consider codependency as being a people pleaser on steroids. Your life is all about doing for others, often to your own detriment. With respect to relationships, you attach yourself to a partner, overlooking the obvious signs of abuse, even making excuses for their behavior. You also find yourself believing that you can fix your partner. The formula is simple, you just need to love them more. You take on all fault for problems in the relationship, apologizing for everything.
As you can imagine, a codependent is a narcissists dream.
Where Does Codependency Come From?
Similar to many other disorders (although codependency is technically not a disorder), codependency has its roots in a dysfunctional childhood. In my case, I have learned as an adult that my mother was a narcissist. I remember being locked in closet at four years old, for no apparent reason. I recall my mother saying to my father that I must be retarded because I couldn’t write my name, only to realize later that I was left handed. My father? I am undecided as to whether he was a narcissist or simply an accomplice.
I also have a brother as an older sibling. As is typical with narcissistic parents, one of us was the golden child, the other…the scapegoat. You can pretty much guess who was the scapegoat.
I recall how my parents would jump up and down for joy when my brother would come home with a “C” on his report cards. I would get ridiculed for an “A-” because I didn’t apply myself well enough. Of course, that was all with good intention because my parents expected better from me. Needless to say, my brother turned into a full blown narcissist in the spitting image of my parents, and is quite proud of the fact.
On the other hand, I was molded and grew into somebody who was extremely insecure, seeking approval from just about anybody. The result was bad relationship choices because I latched onto the first thing I could and held onto for dear life. I was always afraid of being kicked to the curb. I also engaged in pretty reckless and self-destructive behaviors. You could pretty much dare me to do anything, and I would.
My “Diagnosis”
Again, there is not a formal diagnosis for codependency in the DSM-V. Is a formal diagnosis necessary? No. Ask anyone who is dealing with or has dealt with a narcissist. A formal diagnosis isn’t required to recognize what you got yourself into.
My awareness of my codependency was a direct result of marriage counseling and individual therapy. To put that in perspective, I met my covert narcissist in 2007. We were married in 2010. I was not aware that I was a codependent until 2018. Better late than ever!
Marriage counseling initially entailed my covert narcissist rattling off her “list” of what an awful person I was. For some strange and unknown reason, she also had an obsession with my friends wife, somebody she was friends with, or at least appeared to be. While the rants went on, I mostly sat and cried. It was brutal. My marriage counselor realized I needed some individual therapy and referred me to somebody she met at a conference that was local.
It only took about 30 minutes into my first individual therapy session for my therapist to conclude I was severely codependent. His words were that I was so codependent that I was a detriment to myself. Similarly, he also identified to me that my spouse was a narcissist. We spent a significant amount of time understanding the codependent/narcissist interrelationship.
That was the beginning of my road to recovery as a codependent.
How Did You Recover?
To be honest, one step at a time; one day at a time. It’s not as though one can simply flip a switch that was a result of years of childhood trauma. However, the first step was to truly understand and acknowledge that I was indeed, codependent. Furthermore, being codependent is not a good thing.
My recovery mostly rested with my desire to save my marriage. Against the recommendation of both my individual therapist and marriage counselor, I felt a moral obligation to try and fulfill my marriage vows. As such, my recovery mostly consisted of learning to take control of the relationship with my covert narcissist and bring myself “closer to center” in terms of my codependency. I recognized that I would always have some codependent tendencies, but bringing them closer to center would result in a healthier codependency. As a result, it would also force my covert narcissist to move “closer to center” in order to balance out the relationship.
Because I lacked any boundaries, the first step was to start establishing boundaries. This was a slow and gradual process, but included:
- Emotional Boundaries – Not getting mixed up in my narcissists attempts to argue, control, manipulate, and false realities. I learned to be indifferent and always act in a controlled and well thought out manner.
- Mental Boundaries – This is an element of self-care where I recognized and protected myself from gaslighting and projection. I refused to let my covert narcissist devalue who I was internally. I grew more confident in myself and what I bring to the relationship.
- Communication Boundaries – I decided the terms of our communication. If I felt my narcissist was out of hand, I told her that I simply wasn’t going to discuss the matter. When she spoke to me with her narcissistic rage, I calmly said that I am not going to be spoken to in that way. Other times, I simply ignored the behavior.
- Physical Boundaries – If necessary, I had plenty of places to go within our own home. If I needed a break, I would involve myself in working outdoors, working on my model railroad, or even gaming in my game room.
Over time, I became quite adept at managing the relationship with my narcissist. Whereas I would initially have to think through the tactics that were necessary, it eventually became second nature. Admittedly, I was very proud of myself. I was in a position where I was feeding some of the narcissistic supply, but at the same time, ensuring my boundaries were firm and I was practicing good self-care.
How Are You Today?
Quite well, actually. Unfortunately, and as forewarned, my covert narcissist realized that she had lost control of the relationship. That resulted in explosive narcissistic rage. How so? She went so far as to file a baseless order of protection against me to have me removed from the marital home. She believed that would send me back to being codependency, but it did not. I recognized it for what it was and did not respond as expected. Instead, I filed for divorce. I didn’t see any alternative. If my covert narcissist was willing to do what she did, what else would she do? That stunt, and it was a stunt, made me recognize that she had no moral compass and knew no bounds as to what she may do in the future. Believe me, I was warned that my attempts may lead to narcissistic rage, but that was an eye opener. Fortunately, after five months of standing firm, she was forced to withdraw the order of protection with prejudice. The outcome was never in question as what she claimed was completely false and I had evidence to show that her story didn’t make sense.
I see the light at the end of my tunnel. I also see that my future is bright and it will be better than ever. I also proved to myself that I am now a recovered codependent. Five years ago, I would have begged and pleaded to not have a divorce. I believe that is what my covert narcissist was counting on. Unfortunately for her, she crossed a line that cannot be recovered from. Her future is not so bright, but it is of her own doing.
And no, I should never have been an abortion.