As would be the case in all narcissistic relationship, all roads lead to discard; whether it be by the narcissist, or their survivor.
Whether codependents realize it or not, there is no amount of love that they can give to their narcissist partners to satisfy the narcissists ever growing need for supply. They call it supply for that very reason; it is similar to the supply needs of a drug addict. In the case of the narcissist, it is attention, admiration, and validation. Ensuring that constant supply requires control and manipulation of their partners. Covert narcissists, in particular, require absolute control.
My spouse and I attended marriage counseling weekly, sometimes twice weekly. We did this for many months. Marriage counseling eventually led to our marriage counselor sending us home with a simple homework assignment; figure out the cost of divorce. The inherent problem with marriage counseling with a narcissist is that they fail to take any accountability. There were times when we did seem to make progress. I would go so far as to say the progress was more of a two steps forward, one step back effort. Still, it seemed as though every time we hit a milestone moment, my spouse would throw a new log on the fire.
We returned a week later from marriage and as expected, my spouse made no effort to do her homework. Unfortunately, I did. So when asked, I explained what I found out. For one, the laws had changed significantly in my state. Spousal support was a formula based on earnings potential and duration. I calculated my worst case scenario. Marital assets were pretty straight forward too. Same with health benefits. I explained everything I learned, and said….
Let’s do it.
As much as I had learned in marriage counseling, it takes two to make things work. I just didn’t see the effort being put forth by my spouse. It was at that moment where my spouse said she didn’t want a divorce.
We continued to go to marriage counseling for a short period thereafter. Things changed. My spouse seemed to be genuinely working on our marriage. We eventually “graduated.” I honestly thought we had things back on track, and so it seemed.
Things went well from 2019 up until the summer of 2024. Yes, my spouse was still a covert narcissist. However, I felt like I had a handle on things. I was giving her supply. At the same time, I was ensuring that I kept my boundaries in place. I had recovered from my codependency.
In the eyes of my closest friends, we joked about “Al 2.0” I had emerged stronger, both for myself and for my spouse. I had the reigns on the relationship and had begun driving the bus of our marriage until….
…the summer of 2024. That’s when things blew up in spectacular fashion.